Bonnie’s Prayer Affair Journal

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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PURPOSEFUL WORDS

5/1/2016

Screen Shot 2016-05-14 at 1.51.12 PMMay Day—so cold and windy—I drug out my ear muffs for the flower planting. It was another Sunday—another 24-hour LORD’s Day—another day I was not too pleased with what I recapped in my mind at the end of it.

5:45AM up, and early to church, then more than four hours working to do my part in the service, then in the afternoon not even time to fall asleep reading, instead napped directly. Afterward grandchildren came to weed and plant flowers and that about finished the day.

It didn’t seem very spiritual. I had so much to do in the morning I was available to talk very little. I prepared lunch and went shopping for flowers—things I could have avoided with better planning the day before. And I finished the day off with spending a lot of time enjoying my grandchildren.

I could get discouraged just thinking about the spiritual activities I didn’t have. And then there was my yesterday’s post…

Personally, I find reading yesterday’s list of subjects in which to engage my Christian friends in conversation on Sunday morning did nothing but discourage me. They were “law” to me—something I was supposed to do but had no interest in doing. However, I know others when they read that list will be very happy if they find a bullet point they can apply.

Instead of speaking, I pay attention to all the “jot and tittles” that need to be implemented during the morning service. As far as words go, allowing my thoughts to spill out extemporaneously frightens me, however writing out my thoughts brings joy.

And, quite frankly, I don’t know how GOD is honored in my life. One thing I do know is that I love Him and that cancels out all the “oughts” that people suggest should be done on the LORD’s Day. It is enough that He ordained it and calls His chosen to Himself on that day.

I will not bemoan my May Day activities. If the SPIRIT confronts me with Sabbath Day sin then I will own it and thank CHRIST for removing it. But, FATHER, I find it detrimental to judge myself. You have put the joy of that precious day in my heart, and I know that joy will spill out and glorify You abundantly.

“Sometimes…the only thing to do is to maintain a vital connection with Jesus Christ…not obedience but the maintenance of…relationship” Oswald Chambers (ref#7, March 25th).

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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HE CLOTHES HIMSELF WITH ME

3/6/2016

Screen Shot 2016-03-28 at 5.46.58 AMOn the way home from church I was vowing not to eat chocolate again, but then added, “until I forget the bad experience and eat it again.” How many times have I thought, “Oh, yes, I remember, I didn’t want to do that again,” after I just did it again. It’s discouraging when you suddenly realize you are repeating yourself doing something you once determined never to do again.

So if I forget the bad things I don’t want to do can I also forget the good things I want to do? Do I quench the SPIRIT by forgetting? Apparently.

I love reading testimonials about the HOLY SPIRIT workings. I save those kinds of books for special occasions. Today after lunch I filled my mouth full of chocolate bits and sat down with, “The Way to Pentecost,” by Samuel Chadwick.

It didn’t take me long to be “sabbathed-up”—so full I could not accept another spiritual thought. My reading stopped at this sentence: “He [the HOLY SPIRIT] clothes Himself with sanctified men and women” (ref#195, p54).

He led me to dwell on that word picture…. I am His clothes. It’s Him but He looks like me. It’s the same word pix as me the conduit and Him the water. But, I have forgotten that word picture and so He reminds me again using this time, clothes.

Before I came to this computer I sat a long time confirming I quench the SPIRIT by forgetting. How many times has He put on my clothes to honor the FATHER?—many, and with good results. The union with the SPIRIT has always started well. But…

CHRIST is so longsuffering with me. Over and over He reaches out and draws me again to His breast. I definitely am a sheep who strays.

As the SPIRIT is again creating a fire within me my mind will not leave the idea of worshipping GOD through the piano and singing but I don’t know where to go with that.

***

It’s now Monday morning. Went to bed at a reasonable hour but could not sleep—my mind in turmoil about worship. Got up at midnight to worship. Turned on the keyboard and put in the earbuds. Nothing. No sound. I tried everything. Finally went back to bed with a very sad heart.

The last piano tune revealed a small crack in the soundboard. And now my keyboard doesn’t work. Devastated. “Maybe I am to give it up, it’s such a frustration anyway.” Devastated. Devastated. All night long, sleeping or not, I grieved. In the morning light I was completely convinced my life would be worthless if I could not praise Him.

In the morning I turned the keyboard on to show my husband that it didn’t work. It worked fine.

I am humbled—just humbled. What a demonstration of the power of GOD in my life. If the SPIRIT is to work in my clothes, they must be well-fitting clothes—not too tight, not to lose and definitely not dirty. The clothes will fit the SPIRIT when I am contrite.

FATHER, You promise the SPIRIT will call to remembrance all that You speak to me (John 14:26). This spiritual fire that has started inside me, fan it that I may be so awestruck at Your power I tiptoe in Your presence—experiencing fear and joy—the oxymoron unique to closeness to You.

Here I sit worshipping You—without the keyboard or piano. This certainly proves that worship does come from the SPIRIT. He does not need the prop of an instrument to create praise. He only needs contriteness and He has moved me to it.

I make the mistake of placing myself in a preconceived situation for worship like sitting at the piano and playing decent. My clothes are too tight when I create what I think is a proper situation to worship.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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MY DEEPEST LONGING

9/30/13

Screen Shot 2016-03-26 at 2.26.48 PMSomething written in day 31 of a devotional attached itself to my heart making me want to put my feelings into words. Writing the feelings will allow me to come back to them in the future.

As I read, my feelings morphed into a desire. I wanted something more than I had.

I’m not good at give-and-take relationships. An island describes me. But, the following statement made me not want to be an island: “The deepest longing of the human heart is to be known completely and accepted unconditionally” James P Gills (ref#149, p385).

I can recall situations where my “island” label is put away.   When I compare picture-taking alone to picture-taking with my husband going along, my choice is fellowship over being alone. My heart wants a similar fellowship with GOD.

“’Enoch walked with God three hundred years, and had sons and daughters…And Enoch walked with God; and he was not, for God took him’ (Gen 5:22,24). Someone commented that one day as Enoch walked with God, they ended the day closer to heaven than to Enoch’s home. And God just said, ‘Come on, Enoch, and go home with Me’” James P. Gills (ref#149, p387).

Oh, to talk to GOD when I think, not to talk to myself when I think. I want to work enough each day to meet my needs and not be sidetracked by worldly activities. I want to be “engulfed in His presence” James P. Gills (ref#149, p388). “The Hebrew word translated intimate means ‘to share secrets, deep, inward counsel, in audience with a person’” James P. Gills (ref#149, p385).

So, FATHER, my deepest secret presently is to confess all my known sins to You and watch You not flinch one bit. My deepest desire is to let go of my hold on my life when You press me to Your bosom. It truly will be my greatest joy to lose myself and choose some great attribute of Yours to dwell on.

I’ve identified my longing in this writing. Now I strive to walk hand in hand as Enoch. And is not discovering a new attribute of GOD better than reviewing the ones I know? To discover I must be with Him.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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THE MEASURE OF MY LOVE TO GOD

1/31/2016

Screen Shot 2016-03-26 at 12.56.23 PMI sighed to my husband on the way home from church, “If I could just go through the day like I feel right now.” The adrenalin-filled morning was over but the adrenalin had not completely dissipated. I wasn’t tired, I didn’t hurt and I felt like I could accomplish what I wanted to without struggling. But the reality is that I’m here at the computer just three hours later feeling physically miserable and mentally and spiritually empty.

I fell asleep reading, I developed a headache napping, forced myself out of bed but then fell back asleep in the chair trying to pray. Some Sabbath. Suddenly my Sunday private time with GOD loomed more difficult than speaking spiritually to my brothers and sisters at morning church.

There doesn’t seem to be anymore to record in this journal entry. I sit here wondering what I can do with myself in the nine more hours of this Sunday?

***

Well, the bit of reading I did accomplish, “I sensed God was saying to me through a thought planted in my mind” (ref#192, p134), from Jerry Bridges that: “…the extent to which we realize and acknowledge our own sinfulness, and the extent to which we realize the total forgiveness and cleansing from those sins, will determine the measure of our love to God” (ref#192, p126).

It seems prudent as I sit here flat-lining as a result of the morning adrenalin rush to compile two lists, (1) of besetting sins I struggle with and (2) ways GOD works to forgive my sins.

As I begin this list I am thoroughly convinced that I sin lots and lots and, through CHIRST, GOD deems me forgiven for them. This is simply a fact in my head. However it seems quite possible that if I don’t review how I came to believe that statement I will eventually wonder how I ever believed it. Yes, indeed, if not reviewed that truth will fade over time. So, let me contemplate and make my two lists:

After spending a half hour or so making the lists, I am no longer tired. I listed 14 sins. I would call them folders of sins because each word represents an explosion of specific sins in specific circumstances.

I listed 34 facts about JESUS the CHRIST—facts that remind me of His character on earth and now in heaven. The list makes me realize how intent He was to His FATHER’s calling on Him—how perfectly He accomplished it—and how much now He lives for me, one of His very own. I see how easily and freely and with so much compassion He forgives my sins. The audacity of me to entertain the thought of carrying any guilt because of my sins. He so convincingly has made an end of them. I have complete freedom to love Him and love Him more than ever because I have spent a pleasurable time in my mind and in Scripture reviewing His attributes.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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ASKING AGAIN FOR THE SPIRIT

4/27/2016

Screen Shot 2016-05-14 at 2.42.08 PMAm reading notes about the Sabbath again and realizing that I have slipped in my determination to keep it holy. It’s a little discouraging. It certainly tells me that I cannot order my days in any spiritually productive way.

As with most everything, I must drop to my knees to tell GOD once again that I have failed—failed to be led by His HOLY SPIRIT. Once again He proves to me that there are too many opportunities in earthly living for me to choose what is good for me and glorifying to Him.

I may establish a righteous pattern but it never is set in concrete. Autopilot kicks in without my notice and before I realize the righteous pattern has morphed. Life is too fluid for me. So GOD spends a lot of time calling me back to Himself.

Reviewing, rehearsing, remembering is so necessary. But even knowing and striving to accomplish spiritual renewing is impossible. May I never accept personal pride in all my routines of renewing myself, for such does not keep me in my FATHER’s will.

Nothing keeps me in my FATHER’s will but my FATHER. His HOLY SPIRIT knows the way I should go. Not only do I need help from Him for my inadequacies I know, but for all I can never think of.

SPIRIT, I thank You for Your surprising words in my life. You tell me remarkable secrets I do not know (Jer 33:3). So, how long has it been since I asked for the FATHER for the SPIRIT (Luke 11:13)?

As far as keeping the Sabbath goes, it is not that I have forgotten about keeping it holy; I review what I know the dawn of each Sunday. The problem is that I’ve forgotten some things and the things I do remember I have ceased purposeful preparation. The slide into disobedience is so slow I don’t notice—I don’t notice until I am reminded again.

FATHER, thank You for reminding me today. I sat at the table and spread out my gathered notes with the goal of organizing them so I might write out more blog posts on the Sabbath. You have allowed me to organize but also You have been kind enough to dispatch Your SPIRIT to remind me of my slipping.

What a great GOD You are! It’s all-praise. How the culmination of all events leads to all-praise. The keys of the piano are not the only place I can praise You. The keys of this computer can draw me to it, too.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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A CHEERLEADER FOR THE SABBATH

3/1/2016

Screen Shot 2016-03-18 at 3.22.17 PMAnother Sabbath came and went with nothing to report. All is quiet on the Sabbath front—not even a lone chipmunk running across the dry landscape. Seems I’ve just begun making my Sabbath holy and now everything is dried up. The path forward has evaporated.

I’m wandering. I identified it this morning. Taking my mind back through recent history, I see I’ve been moving away from my daily routine.

I could blame the start of drifting on no longer lighting a candle in the prayer closet. (My closet scent is no longer manufactured and I haven’t decided on a new fragrance.) I no longer get up ½ hour before the start of my day to spend it with the LORD. Since my daily “work” is with the LORD, I have rationalized closet time not a must-do.

But, my “work” has lately been too much replaced with other obligations making me a little nervous about my approaching blogging deadlines. I’m even allowing myself to entertain the stressful thought of not having anything to post about the Sabbath.

I keep saying to myself I’ve got to get back organized but just as the day ends and I’m too tired to do my exercises, I find I’m still not keeping up with my “work.”

But then there is GOD—the One Who surprises me and I react in irrepressible joy.  So He started with me today.

I had not met Him in the prayer closet but was, out of habit, reading Scripture while eating breakfast. (There is something to say about habits. For me, more often than not, Scripture over breakfast is the door He comes through to meet me.)

So there was Joshua, the Old Testament leader of Israel after the death of Moses. He knew he was GOD’s chosen:

“And the LORD commissioned Joshua…’Be strong and courageous, for you shall bring the people of Israel into the land that I swore to give them. I will be with you’” (Deut 31:23 ESV).

With the LORD’s words fresh in his ears, he led the people across the Jordon River and into their first battle victory over Jericho by specifically following the LORD’s commands. Then Joshua sent men to spy out the next town, Ai. He anticipated another battle victory as the spies came back with an optimistic estimate of the challenge.

Not. They were soundly defeated (Josh 7:4). Why? “…there was…the apparent negligence of Joshua…in failing to seek divine direction for the Ai campaign…” (ref#125, p404, [Josh 7:10-12]).

I thought, “how quickly he forgets.” But then I have forgotten GOD, too, by moving away from my daily routine.

Before I finished breakfast I received a text from my friend. Periodically she will text me saying she is praying for me. Today I text back a prayer request about my retreat from the LORD. So now I have made myself accountable therefore I am spurred to address my drifting. I smile as I understand the LORD’s orchestration of my situations.

***

Now it’s 4:30PM. I have just come from my prayer closet. Wondering why it is I ever resist the morning time with my FATHER. I have emerged totally psyched—totally refreshed—enough to get me through the rest of the week, I’m sure. I had no idea I was so spiritually cracked and dry until my DADDY recharged me. He has given me enough strength and faith and reason to get back on schedule. Boy, do I feel better—and I didn’t even know I felt bad!

And, moreover, I know that rejuvenation is one of the very important reasons GOD initiated the Sabbath. Indeed, because of His leading today I can again be a cheerleader for keeping the Sabbath.

“…The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath” (Mark 2:27 NASB).

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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JESUS IS ABLE TO KEEP ME FROM FALLING

2/5/14

Screen Shot 2016-03-15 at 4.35.09 PMFATHER, You have convinced me that You have removed my hard, evil heart of stone and replaced it with a soft, yielding, submitting heart of flesh (Ezek 36:26). I testify my desires have changed—my spirit testifies to it. Presently I know that I am saved, but,… will I endure to the end (Heb 3:14)?

I have times where I forsake You—saying, “No more, I’m leaving; You’re just too demanding.”   It scares me how little it takes for me to arrive in that place. I worry that I’ll be in such a state when the end comes.

But, all honor to You for You have put Your affections on me. If You loved me at first (Rom 5:8) You will always love me. You keep Your part of the covenant (Ps 105:8) even if I don’t keep mine (Ps 78:10). You are chaste and display continual contentment with loving me (Zeph 3:17) even when I am unfaithful to You (Hos 3:1).

You also give others in return for me—people in exchange for my life (Isa 43:4). How can I ever think that any rebellion on my part would be able to separate the bond of Your covenant.

You, FATHER, who possess the power to create and uphold the world, keep me. You guard me through the faith You give me for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time (1 Pet 1:5). I may wander but the faith You provide will always draw me back to You. You delight in making me Your child (1 Sam 12:22). You make me know I’m Yours even when I am running from You.

Your Son, keeps me. He is my shepherd; He makes me able to hear His voice and follow Him and none shall ever pluck me out of His hand (John 10:27-28).

O POWERFUL FATHER, You will keep me to the end. CHRIST will present me faultless before You—with exceeding joy, He will present me to You (Jude 24-25).

How can I be so prideful to think that I have the power to control my destiny after You choose me for Your bride. This life is about Your desires, not mine.

You are so stable and I so unstable. To eternity Your love will never wane for me. And for this I am just not capable of expressing enough thanksgiving to You.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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SPEAKING ONLY SPIRITUAL THINGS

1/3/2016

Screen Shot 2016-03-15 at 3.10.33 PMIntent to develop my spiritual nature and contribute to my brother’s and sister’s spiritual growth, I entered church prepared. It was the time of year to talk resolutions. I’d start the conversation by telling about my spiritual goal of learning how to keep the Sabbath. And then ask if they had thought of any spiritual resolutions.

But, I have not trained myself in the art of talking spiritual stuff, physical stuff just rolls off my tongue. And it rolled off today. Walked out of church thinking all I did was commiserate with friends about how “out of sorts” we were feeling.

It wasn’t till 4PM that the godly thought came to ask my out-of-sorts friends why they were out of sorts and offer to pray for them. And through texting we have talked to each other and have promised to pray for each other.

So GOD has just taught me that one can’t divide the physical from the spiritual. Activities of the physical world can become the point where spiritual encouragement as well as admonishment begin. My friends and I would have had nothing to pray for it we hadn’t shared our struggle in the physical world.

***

It’s evening now and GOD has reminded me of something else I learned by talking physical stuff after church. Something is coming up this Thursday at school that I can pray for. And so I have made a note in my prayer journal.

LORD, I thank You for pointing out that my actions yesterday were not all failures. I long for the day when the SPIRIT works encouragement and admonishment through me in real time and not just through hindsight. I certainly would like to do all I can for that to happen.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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ACCEPTABLE SABBATH TALK

5/5/09

Screen Shot 2016-03-15 at 11.39.03 AM“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God” (Col 3:16 ESV).

Admonish one another… It does not mean pointing out specific sins to one another—or specific ways to improve. Yet, this is exactly my tendency when my old nature is ruling me.

It must be that my human nature thinks it can be successful if it dissects the commandments of GOD and works on keeping them one at a time. I make much to-do to be as perfect as possible. I preach to myself (and others). “This is what you should be doing.” I bemoan my sin—making much about my flaws. I never run out of ways to tell myself (and others) how to shape up.

The only thing my old nature can do it work hard, then judge myself better than others. Period. Old-nature-work puts me in the valley by pointing out my failure to help my sisters and brothers.

Admonishing should have nothing to do with specific actions, instead, its keeping my sisters and brothers accountable for their relationship with JESUS—with the intention to increase their affections for JESUS.

May I let all songs and words and actions point to the joy in a relationship with CHRIST. Admonish by making others long for a relationship like you have with CHRIST.

Note: This entry is important direction to myself as I concentrate on acceptable talk with my fellow Christians.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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WORSHIP REVIVAL

2/7/2016

Screen Shot 2016-03-14 at 3.23.03 PMJerry thought I was on my way upstairs to take a nap—that’s what I told him. But, I passed by my office and dediced to read. ”I could try it; if I fall asleep then I’ll nap.”

Sunday afternoons usually consist of trying to read and falling asleep. Feeling exhausted, I figured I was about to repeat the scenario. So far the day was playing out like most Sundays—until…

I chose a book about the HOLY SPIRIT:

“The Church still has a theology of the Holy Ghost but it has no living consciousness of His presence and power….The answer is in the demonstration of a supernatural religion, and the only way to a supernatural religion is in the abiding presence of the Spirit of God” Samuel Chadwick (ref#195, p18-19).

This knowledge was nothing new but by hearing it again the spiritual coals inside me became a flame. I was no longer tired. I felt ecstatic like I do when I’m confronted with a situation I’ve been longing to repeat.

“Perfect, this is perfect. GOD is meeting me this Sunday. I won’t fall asleep and will have something neat to record in my journal.”

 

And, what happened next? I fell asleep reading; woke and tried to stay awake but after repeating the scenario many times, gave up and went off to nap.

I did eventually get up but walked past my office and the book to set up the keyboard and speaker. With nap over the HOLY SPIRIT was still burning and it was music that drew me.

I had recently discovered a much easier way of learning a new song—playing it with someone else. I would play and sing with the Youtube version. The short pre-nap reading about the HOLY SPIRIT, was influencing me.

Someone who only leads occasionally lead worship this morning. It was a certain song lingered upon that reminded me of my rare abandon worship that only takes place in a large worship gathering where everything is so loud that I cannot hear myself. At that moment I realized how anemic my worship had been lately. Yes, I realized my longing for HOLY SPIRIT inspired worship—a heart revival—something I could dive into with abandon.

Youtube is the music to keep me in worship: steady beat, never stopping because of mistakes, able to continue to the end of the worship song, enabling me to stop singing and just play or stop playing and just sing, and sing any note in the chord… and be one with the Youtube singers. And… SING at the top of my voice! WORSHIP REVIVAL!