Monday’s Journal Entry

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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SABBATH REMINISCING

12/1/2016

screen-shot-2016-12-02-at-2-46-26-pm“God seeks to bring His holy remnant into the power of eternal life, even now….God wants a free people, a remnant totally detached from all that is earthly…” David Wilkerson (ref#138, p164).

This quote has been inscribed on my heart since I first read, Set Thy Trumpet to Thy Mouth back in the 80’s. David Wilkerson’s words and prophecies are still relevant.

My Sunday posts for the year, 2016 have ended. I have talked about the Sabbath every which way. So, how has my posts affected me?

First, those Sunday words have sobered me. I no more take the Sabbath lightly. I have internalized the truths expressed and experienced a humbling and an unction to be more in GOD’s presence.

The change gives me something to work toward and something to find joy in. My heart is more than ready to be detached from secularized society—this is where my joy lies. And my future work is to make that a reality—as unnatural as that is.

One reason GOD initiated a Sabbath was to offer a place where His people could be seen as different than the world. Sabbath observance would set them apart.

However, I am not set apart by just attending church on Sunday morning. 35-40 million people do that in this country; secular society has accepted that. Alistair Begg (ref#165, Series: God’s Work, God’s Way, Sermon#: 1761, “Threats to Spiritual Wholeness,” Part Two of Two, November 28, 2016). But, I can be labeled a fanatic if I set the rest of the day apart.

Thanks be to GOD who “built-in” a way to set His remnant apart. Observing the Sabbath is a weekly 24-hour opportunity to detach myself from all that is earthy and prove to the world that my spiritual life is more important than my physical.

And as I obey the keep-the-Sabbath command I will have my joy—joy in praising GOD as Creator, thanking Him for last week’s provisions and, by faith, next week’s, and taking advantage of the occasion to rest my body and soul. It is a time on earth to be immersed in eternity.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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SITTING WITH CHRIST

7/23/2016

screen-shot-2016-10-21-at-12-52-18-pmWhile researching “the Sabbath,” I came upon a writer who, after presenting many facts, began to wax eloquently about spending time with CHRIST. It was as if his heart took over his pen.

I’ve heard the phrase, “swimming in the ocean of GOD’s love” as a description for fellowship with GOD, but since I’m afraid of water, it’s not a word-picture that calms my soul.

I am always searching for word-pictures to help my mind grasp a concept and William Law’s words have done that for me. This is the quote that carried me back to a serene scene in my past:

“Heaven is one ocean of repose. No billow heaves. No storm affrights. No foe can enter. No change can cloud the calm expanse of the unruffled sky. But what is heaven, but to see Christ, as He is—to gaze forever on His unveiled beauty—to sit with Him—…Heaven is heaven, because it is an eternal Sabbath by the side of Jesus” Henry Law (ref#214).

How often I have attempted to find a simile that describes a get together with CHRIST—some thought of a scene that would place me in His presence. This quote has reminded me of one and it is one that is real; it comes out of my past.

It was the summer I signed up for a graduate class from a university far away from my residence. It required rising at 4:30AM but I felt it doable until I was thrust into an interim position as a YWCA camp director that required evening meetings with camp counselors until as late at midnight.

Our cabins sat high on a bluff above Lake Eire. And I knew the responsibility of camp director plus the lack of sleep was wearing me out when the white noise of the waves interrupted my sleep.

When the camp’s swimming classes for the day ended and I had a moment free I would walk down the makeshift stairs to the water’s edge. It was the only place I knew that offered solitude. The most exhilarating time there came when the lake was calm. How no noise soothed my fragmented, frazzled mind.

“Heaven if one ocean of repose. No billow heaves” Henry Law (ref#214). This is my word-picture safe-place! This is the vision I will bring to my mind when I sit with CHRIST. For me sitting in the arms of CHRIST overlooking an endless calm sea conjures up a snippet of my eternal Sabbath.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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PRIDE, LOVE OF SELF

6/26/2016

screen-shot-2016-10-21-at-1-58-45-pmMy Sabbath day was going pretty well until 10:00PM. The afternoon was particularly satisfying as I was pulled into a good book—a commentary on the Song of Solomon. So good the reading was that I continued into the evening.

Instead of the usual commentary depicting CHRIST and His church, the writing is an allegory of CHRIST and a single member of His church. It reads so personal that it brought out my own heart’s desire and I pretended I was the “bride” and it was my interaction with CHIRST.

The “bride” in the book was so in love with CHRIST that she followed Him everywhere, satisfied with every stage of their developing relationship. It reminded me of a quote:

“Sometimes there is nothing to obey, the only thing to do it to maintain a vital connection with Jesus Christ…” Oswald Chambers (ref#7, March 25th).

The author of the commentary alluded that obeying commands can be done outwardly—without being changed inwardly, but being in love with JESUS changes everything. Obeying commands are not even thought of, they are followed without any thought.

Being in love with JESUS made the “Bride” think of nothing but her “Bridegroom.” She thought no more about caring for herself; she would not take her eyes off her lover. She died to herself, becoming lost in CHRIST.

I fancied I had obtained that goal in my Christian walk and was happily brushing my teeth before bed when GOD dropped in my conscience a small request that made me recoil. Immediately my dreams of succeeding in my relationship with CHRIST vanished.

I was back with my eyes on myself! I did not want to do what He asked. My resistance not only destroyed my imagined delightful relationship with CHRIST but it put me all the way back to willfully resisting obeying.

Well, after a short amount of thinking I did do what He asked. But that did not restore my thoughts about a good relationship with Him. The “bride” in the Song of Songs did a lot of assuming she was ready for marriage only to find out the “bridegroom” had more to teach her.

So, I end this Sabbath day being further behind in my relationship with CHIRST than I thought. However, His mercy has not let me fall off the foundation He is building in our relationship but He has certainly humbled me by pointing out my pride.

I could be discouraged but His unseen assurance keeps me in pursuit of Him. I am glad for this Sabbath even though I’ve been justly convicted of my love to self, more than love of GOD.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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WRITING CONTINUES

4/9/12

screen-shot-2016-10-21-at-8-52-09-amI’ve become discouraged again by listening to people. First blow was comparing myself to a Christian missionary involved in evangelism. By carnal thinking, listening to her experiences dulled GOD’s glory in revealing Himself through my writing. My conclusion: “Leave off writing and get out there with people.”

Second blow (all in the same day) was comparing myself to other’s concepts of doctrine. Listening to their articulate reiterations dulled GOD’s glory in revealing Himself through my writing. My conclusion: “I am slow of learning. My naivety smarts. What possibly worthwhile can I put on paper?”

How many times has this kind of discouragement about my writing happened? Because of such repetitions I have maintained an underlying faith to keep at writing but my mind could find no way at all to support continuing it last night.

I went to bed discouraged. Not devastated-ly discouraged because I knew from experience in the morning prayer closet my DADDY would tell me which way to go. I would wait until I knew the thoughts in my head were His—the SPIRIT would attest to His words.

But, this day DADDY surprised me by addressing my concern between my shower and the prayer closet. I was sitting on top of the commode letting my toe nail polish dry and picked up Man, God’s Dwelling Place, by A. W. Tozer. And through his words my DADDY spoke:

“That writer does the most for us who brings to our attention thoughts that lay close to our minds waiting to be acknowledged as our own” A.W. Tozer (ref#103, p92).

Is this not exactly what the LORD is doing through my writing? I’m recording the info that has influenced my mind—those words that so encourage me and make me realize I’m not alone in my thinking.

May You, FATHER, bless the ones I was jealous of and forgive my selfish brooding. I will continue to write.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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HEAVEN HAS BEGUN

4/27/12

screen-shot-2016-10-20-at-4-09-42-pmFATHER, as I was reading for the umpteenth time the story of King Saul bringing back from battle King Agag of the Amalekites and all the best livestock when he was suppose to devote everything to destruction (1 Sam 15:1-23), I wondered if I still do the same—sacrifice to You instead of obey. Has my time with You in reading and writing spiritual subjects just retooling the same old thoughts? Am I going in circles sacrificing instead of obeying? I could be using the writing time sitting at Your feet—worshipping and thanking You but instead I continue writing, saying writing keeps me close to You.

I laughed today as I had my Bonnie’s Resource Manual, Vol 1 and 2 (ref#218) out, that I compiled back in 1997, looking for some info to send to a friend. What a good song and scripture and chord sets collection. Since I don’t have time to use it, I thought maybe GOD would let me take it to heaven.

What a marvelously wonderful thought—taking my Resource Manual to heaven. I have complied and written all my life; in heaven I would have an eternity to use my writing as a resource to praise GOD! Write it now for me—use it in heaven for GOD. Create now, express in heaven.

Who knows what heaven will be like but it would give me endless joy to express back to GOD all that He has prompted me to write here on earth. Here on earth I create words to bring GOD joy in heaven. If so, heaven has begun for me.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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REAL OR FAUX CHRISTIAN

screen-shot-2016-10-19-at-4-21-43-pmNOTE: This post is directed to all my sisters and brothers that have at least at one point in their life questioned their salvation. If you sit in the pew and never question GOD’s saving grace to you then I would question your Christianity. The enemy only puts stumbling blocks in the path of believers.

7/17/2016

A thought has become clear enough that I can form the words into questions: Am I puling myself up to GOD with my bootstraps? Does my attempt to draw close to Him come solely from my effort? Am I more a faux Christian than real? This line of thought began a few days ago while reading this quote:

“…the very nature of love…is always active…the real trouble with the person who is seated there in his study reading beautiful…books about love and who feels that he is…a fine Christian is this: What is really happening to that person is that he is simply in love with himself, because he appreciates these elevating thoughts” Martyn Lloyd-Jones (ref#211, p116).

I earmarked page 116 and went back to it later and seriously asked GOD if I was sinning in this way. (I really do love to create at my desk and do not enjoy so much being active out in the madding crowd.) At that time He convinced me that I was okay, but now in my reading today I am again asking. The questions reoccurred as I read:

“Worship is the submission of all our nature to God:

The quickening of conscience by His holiness

The nourishment of mind with His truth

The purifying of imagination by His beauty

The opening of the heart to His love

The surrender of the will to His purpose” Will Metzger (ref#79, p156).

“Yes, Yes,” I thought, “I want to submit all of me to GOD.” I want to, but am I? Is it really happening? Or am I only wishing it so? Am I just sitting at my desk dreaming I’m a good Christian?

Is GOD quickening my conscience by His holiness? Is He nourishing my mind by His truth? Is He purifying my imagination by His beauty? Is He opening my heart by His love? Is He…or am I pretending He is—do I just finding joy in dreaming that I’m like that?

My thoughts continue. I have a precious 1984 vision of me worshipping GOD with abandon burned in my mind and I have been seeking its fulfillment ever since. Am I allowing Him, in His time, to bring it about or am I attempting to self-fulfill it on my own?

These past few day the questions drive me further and further from my FATHER into my own conclusions that I really am, all these years, been a faux Christian! I have made a case for my failure as a lover of GOD. But…

But, the disappointment of it all drove me back to the beginning. What am I living for? What am I seeking? I sat in my prayer closet this Sabbath afternoon and wept while writing—my pen expressing my heart:

“I want to find the fulfillment of flat-out expressions of wonder toward GOD—of absolutely letting my heart define, to its capacity, the joy of being adopted by GOD. What a longing I have to exalt Him uninhibitedly—to possess total concentration on the object of my worship and make habits of various ways to magnify the TRIUNE GOD Who for some reason, chose, before the foundations of the world, to plant His very nature in me.

“This alone is all I live for—all I covet. There is no plan B or other options; I will entertain nothing else. This is the only prayer for myself—that I might find contentment with continual praise.

“And, FATHER, this is a prayer You will answer for You have put the desire in my heart (no matter what my thoughts tell me), and You, in Your time, will bring to fruition that request.

“JESUS, I shadow You—may I routinely confess my sin so I am prepared to let You infuse my brain with practical ideas of holiness. I now tell myself to be fervent, diligent and disciplined—keeping my body armed and ready for a sudden deployment to praise. Here I am—LORD, here—show me, show me righteousness that I might respond with abandon.”

I am not a faux Christian!

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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FEAR, A GOOD THING

5/31/12

screen-shot-2016-10-18-at-3-59-28-pmThis is an attempt to record the benefits of my last episode of caregiving:

I’m back now but still as soon as I awoke this morning, my spirit yelled for GOD to help me get through the day—a knee-jerk reaction stemming from my last two weeks.

Unfortunately repeated caregiving situations does not make me a better caregiver. I do not come home less shell-socked or more peaceful and rested.

I have been thinking of CHRIST on earth, living in a frightened human body but overcoming it by walking in the SPIRIT. I wonder if His human nature panicked every morning knowing that the FATHER would require Him to perform beyond human ability even though His spirit found exceeding joy in knowing His FATHER’s plans.

As an unbeliever and even as a young Christian when faced with situations my human nature could not handle, it took the course of avoidance—refusing to walk straight through the situation.

But, then GOD graced me with enough faith to believe 1 Cor 10:13* so I no longer refused, but still walked through situations frightened to death. This is where I continue to be today—sidestepping situations is not an option but living in fear still is.

Will I ever find enough faith to not be frightened to death? I wonder if CHRIST’s human nature ever got over being frightened to death. I wouldn’t be surprised if His motto was. “You will keep me in perfect peace when my mind is stayed on You.” (Isa 26:3)—which should be my motto.

Now home from caregiving I question myself: Have I walked by the SPIRIT? I certainly prayed for Him plenty. And I experienced His answer to small prayers like making 6 drumsticks fit in a small omelet pan. He reminded me of His presence with my songbird singing and the smell of my candle every morning during devotions.

Now, as I reminisce, I see His grand work as I review the entire caregiving stay. He has, over a two-week period, brought mom back to being able to live alone again and wasn’t that my initial prayer?

I see why You, FATHER, didn’t commission the SPIRIT to answer my prayer immediately. If You would have I would only marvel at the miracle and not get to know the miracle worker.

Through these days I have thrown myself into Your arms—learned what pleading felt like—strengthened my faith in You by knowing I could find help in no other place. Through answering slowly I have naturally lived in Your presence—able to thank You properly by remembering tiny progresses. I have learned to calm myself in Your presence—reduce my anxious thoughts making me able to be patient and not to be easily moved. I have glorified You by demonstrating CHRIST’s fruit before mom and others. You have worked Yourself through me. I praise You for what You have done in me.

Human nature fear has kept me alert; it has exhausted me but also kept me alert. I looked for Your miracles—depended on them. Overwhelming circumstances made me run to hide under Your wing—making me not want to lead, making me plead You lead. I surmise fear can be a good thing when I run to You because of it.

*”The trials that you have had to bear are no more than people normally have. You can trust God not to let you be tried beyond your strength, and with any trial he will give you a way out of it and the strength to bear it” (1 Cor 10:13 JB).

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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ALL EVENTS THE SAME

6/1/12

screen-shot-2016-10-14-at-3-49-57-pmMy valleys are rising and my mountaintops are falling. I am reaching a plateau where I am able to regard all events the same—constantly possessing that perfect peace staying my mind on Thee (Isa 26:3).

Calamities do not put me in the valley and days of rest no longer put me high on the mountain. Everyday is becoming the same—a day to call upon the LORD for help so I might praise Him for what He gives in that day.

Am learning to take my hands off manipulating the day and reminding myself that thoughts of future comfort to my human nature is useless. There is no happiness in longing for something that may never be.

Calamities have taught me. Because in them I am convinced I cannot carry myself through. In the past I have sat tight and endured calamities by looking forward to better times. But as each calamity comes and goes the realization sets in that my life will never possess constant “better times.”

Reality has set in and I make a habit of calling on the LORD continually. I desire His presence in the good times and bad. I choose Him for my constant companion and look very much forward to seeing Him face to face.

NOTE: As I post this the thought of it seems like priggish piousness. True, I would love to embrace everyday with no anticipation of it being good or bad, but if I was there in 6/1/2012, I am not there now. But, maybe now I am spiritually deeper in others areas than I was in 2012.

This journal entry proves that GOD is longsuffering and is not put off to continually teach me. And it proves the importance of journaling and rereading the journal. If I was there then, I can again get back there.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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WORSHIP IS TO PLEASE GOD

7/18/2016

screen-shot-2016-10-14-at-2-32-11-pmI’m certainly proving that I can do nothing without the LORD. I survived the last three weeks of daily socializing by looking forward to these next two weeks of setting at my desk researching, organizing and writing in the LORD’s presence.

Today I start. I will spend it alone—totally with Him but I am quickly realizing I’m not prepared. I’m lonely; I’m out of practice using my mind. I’m remembering that desk work is work, and the work is overwhelming with papers from the last three weeks piled high.

And then there is music. I’m pursuing songwriting yet have no desire to play and sing anything. My body is in pain, my mind so very sluggish, and I have no desire to pursue what GOD is calling me to. Looking forward to this day for the last three weeks has kept me going but it has arrived and I’m disappointed. How much this situation screams that I can do nothing without GOD.

Thus I chuck my plans and go to the prayer closet to sit. Though I feel it not, I know there is unending joy for me embedded in the privilege of His attention. And I have proof in my memory that His covenant promises to me will never be broken. Just the promise of eternal life with Him—someday being free of these earthly struggles… These things are enough to find the needed strength to face this day with energy.

Suddenly I’m on the mountaintop. I don’t necessarily feel it but these thoughts have given me enough gumption to begin. I can walk out of this prayer closet—put one foot in front of the other with anticipation. Here I go, and the first step is toward the piano.

As I approach I am thinking two thoughts about the piano: (1) all I see behind and ahead of me is failure: no progression in talent, no opportunity to preform. I feel I should give it up and concentrate my expression of worship with just words and not song.

The other thought is just the opposite: (2) I should continue with songwriting and piano, remembering how GOD, periodically over 30 years, has encouraged me at the piano. Yet…

30 years He has strung me along. My flesh wants to quit. I, with pleasure, will admit defeat instead of taking more embarrassment, but my heart cries with just the thought of ending. I’m in the valley with my mind’s logic to quit yet my heart refuses to listen to common sense.

Before I arrived at the piano I picked up the guitar and sang with a three-week, out-of-practice voice. My ears heard something unpleasant but the LORD heard not my voice but my heart. I had forgotten this songwriting desire was for the pleasure of GOD not that I might get good and please others or myself.

All my writing has been to help me draw close to GOD even though it is available to the public. And so my music should also be to help me draw close to GOD. Is there anything better than to be close enough to sing Him praise?

I do love to express my love for GOD in music. I love to please Him in song—magnifying Him. Song is certainly a higher way to magnify Him than words.

Seeing that my spiritual gift is encouragement, it makes sense that it should spill over into my interaction with the LORD through song.

“…the great object of…worship is to please God…” William S. Plumer (ref#183). From GOD’s perspective: He waits for me to bring Him joy. He created me that I might bring Him pleasure (Rev 4:11).  Now I’m really on a mountaintop!