Bonnie’s Prayer Affair Journal

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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EVERY STEP OF MY LIFE HE’S PLANNED

1/2/2016

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 11.26.04 AMIn the prayer closet this morning I was singing and the SPIRIT illuminated for me the following phrase: “Ev’ry step of your life He planned” (A. H. Ackley, A Heart That Can Understand, © 1933 by Robert H. Coleman). It precipitated the thought that my FATHER not only knows my future but also plans it!

Only the SPIRIT can reveal so much in a seven-word phrase. It takes away my anxiousness about doing well in the upcoming days. Concerning my fear of not knowing what to write in my journal posts about the Sabbath, He will provide or He won’t provide. It’s His to plan.

And so what if things do not go as I expect. I don’t have to strive to change them and I don’t have to accept any shame for the way the situation plays out. What I deem “unsuccessful” can be and is many times very much part of GOD’s plans.

Reading about Abram waiting for GOD (Gen 15:9-21), I could think how unsuccessful he was in waiting. He did well by following GOD’s command to assemble an offering and he did well as he waited by shooing away the birds of prey when they attempted to eat the animals he placed on the altar. But then, “…a deep sleep fell upon Abram…” and, “…terror and great darkness fell upon him…” (Gen 15:12 NASB).

My thought about this passage is, “shame on Abram for allowing himself to fall asleep; he deserves to have nightmares.” Abram could have brow-beat himself for falling asleep. I’m sure since he shooed away the birds once, he intended to continue doing it until his waiting for the LORD was over. He was doing what he knew he should; but it was GOD’s plan that he falls asleep.

For this is the exact condition Abram happens to be in when GOD chooses to end his wait and speak to him. “Unsuccessful” to Abram or me is not necessarily “unsuccessful” to GOD.

Of course, the disclaimer is that the plans of GOD do not cancel out my responsibility to keep on doing what I know I should—I can’t be lax in my responsibility. I’m not to sin because I’m under grace (Rom 6:1-2).

Obviously GOD had planned out Abram’s falling asleep as well as his nightmares. And GOD has my days planned out as well. Hallelujah I get to walk through all that He puts in place for me knowing He has planned my future in love. And LORD, help me not judge any of it; I want to simply walk in faith hand in hand with You not letting any of my after-thoughts of the situation drag me down.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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NEVER ANTICIPATED

11/15/2015

Screen Shot 2015-12-31 at 1.04.16 PMCan’t divulge what sent me to the valley, but the means by which I found myself again on the mountaintop is worth recording:

Back home after church I changed clothes and ate but still was out of sorts—unnerved maybe would be a better word. Yes,—out of sorts and unnerved.

Sat down to read in an attempt to get over the morning—hoping to just move on. Opened the devotional at the bookmark where I last read and was drawn to the words I had underlined yesterday:

“Fear happens when I look at myself…and conclude that I do not have what it takes to do what God is calling me to do…To the degree that you forget who God is,…fear is your default emotion” Paul David Tripp (ref#190, Aug 26th).

Then the next page provided these words:

“You were created by God to be dependent on him, but sin makes you rebellious….Sin makes you think you’re capable of what you cannot do” Paul David Tripp (ref#190, August 27th).

That was enough for the SPIRIT to convict. How many times did I pray about this morning’s assignment? And, in attempting that assignment, not once did I consciously depend on my FATHER.

No wonder I have come home shell-shocked. I walked into the enemy’s territory without any protection at all.

And, if Paul David Tripp’s words were not enough to sober me out of the poor-me valley, on the next page he writes:

“The agenda of grace is to transform you into a person who humbly recognizes your need for authority…” Paul David Tripp (ref#190, Aug 28th).

And so it is, His grace has done its work. I am drawn to a familiar verse as I admit my need for Him:

“…’In repentance and rest you will be saved, In quietness and trust is your strength’…” (Isa 30:15 NASB).

NOTE: GOD’s moves are always mysterious, engaging me in ways I do not expect. His coming can never be anticipated though sometimes I wait for Him. How shall He reveal Himself on upcoming Sabbaths?

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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HE MAKES A WAY

Screen Shot 2015-12-30 at 11.57.56 AMIt’s 4PM and I’ve failed at keeping the Sabbath:

  • Slide presentation was difficult this morning so worship was only thought of never implemented
  • After church I did speak to one person about spiritual things, but many others I did not
  • After lunch I started reading a good non-fiction Christian book, but fell asleep
  • Then, napped too long

Conclusion: to this point I’ve been in GOD’s presence maybe four seconds

*****

At breakfast I read in 1 John that a Christian should not find GOD’s commands burdensome. I immediately thought of His command to keep the Sabbath holy. This is a very sensitive subject for me since, through my blog, I’m about to showcase myself to the world attempting to keep this commandment.

To keep the Sabbath holy in theory is not burdensome to me. In fact, it is one of my greatest desires, but when thinking of actually doing it, I find no confidence at all. I can’t fathom succeeding. It looms as an impossible task. Keeping the entire day holy boggles my mind.

What faces me right now as the day dwindles is the fear of going into the next week drained of spiritual strength—strength that should come with proper Sabbath-keeping. I know GOD can energize in a nanosecond—propelling me from the valley to the mountaintop in the blink of an eye, but so far this day my human nature has trumped and I’m sitting here with the computer but no GOD.

So, what do I know? I know I have sinned. I could have stopped the frazzle-ment of the morning. And, this afternoon I could have not allowed myself to fall asleep. Yes, but the thought never occurred to me to do that. My sincerity remains intact. Am I excused? Possibly, but certainly GOD’s will is that I do better next Sunday.

I have definitely proved the point that I, within myself cannot be righteous; within myself I cannot keep the Sabbath. I stare at this computer screen sorry for my sins.

Suddenly though, I am able to think about GOD and not my sins. My heart is flabbergasted at all the rich, amazing thoughts my head is holding of His greatness, His never-ending work, His fullness, His coming to me…He has graced me with a nanosecond.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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JOURNALING WITH AN EYE TO KEEPING THE SABBATH

12/25/2015

Screen Shot 2015-12-30 at 12.57.10 PMSo, I start this adventure of training myself to keep the Sabbath. And, it will be training for I have no thoughts of how to achieve it. It is not something I can feel my way into either, it must be an act of my will. “You do not wait until you feel…you make yourself” (ref#189, Nov 12th).

Presently my Sundays are composed of attending church in the morning, but I am so involved in the service (coffee table, soundboard, slide presentation, etc.) that I rarely find myself in GOD’s presence. Even after the service I have little time to encourage or admonish or confess my sins to my sisters and brothers because I am involved in packing up the equipment since we have church in a local school building. And, what’s worse is that in the little time I have after church I do not encourage, admonish or confess, but usually just do the surface conversation stuff.

The afternoon includes eating, napping, and activities with my husband. Evenings sometimes consist of visiting others but mostly sitting in front of the boob tube exhausted.

Usually in the afternoon I have a little time to read Christian non-fiction or Scripture. GOD, in His mercy, sometimes apprehends me powerfully, but mostly I read and simply enjoy the new knowledge gained. Now you know why I’m longing to explore the full benefit of the Sabbath observance.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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PILING UP GOD’S PROMISES—NOT GOOD

2/9/10

Screen Shot 2015-11-10 at 12.07.54 PMMy name is Bonnie, I’m a pessimist. My fleshly members seem to be never happy and my selfish nature pouts because of it. Sin has a natural grip on me as I continue my longing to be happy—as I continue to envy positive-thinking people.

I want to experience joy but I can’t find it naturally. However, I must thank GOD for making me a pessimist because in my state, I can’t pretend to have the joy of the LORD. When I have joy, I know it is His spiritual joy.

So, let me acknowledge my melancholy-ness and confess how sin easily entangles me. Then let me turn to buffet myself. If I seek true joy, I will find it only with much effort. Buffet, buffet, buffet.

Here is another note as I was care-giving: In trying times reading Scripture will not do—meditating on a verse or two, will. Singing songs will do if they are simple enough and repetitive enough that I can grasp one concept.

Piling up GOD’s promises—just collecting them in my brain gives me a knowing of the greatness of GOD but only by concentrating on one or two can I embrace them enough that they lift me out of the misery of this world.

If I don’t force myself to settle on one or two wondrous works I get ADD—like my 5-year old grandson at Wall-mart when I said he could buy anything he wanted. Everything looked so good he couldn’t make a decision.

FATHER, today Your mercies are new—every morning Your mercies are new. Great is Your faithfulness. I come desiring to discipline my mind—subject it to You that You might renew it so I’m able to think eternally—able to see the big picture that will make my problems for today seem non-existent.

I desire to look over the top of these earthly struggles and fix my eyes on CHRIST, the One who rules all things with abundant, unending love—who continually watches over my every move and is able to overcome the sin that assaults me.

So, this latest care-giving episode is just another example of the enemy binding me and GOD loosing me to find joy once again. This will always be the story of my life. It’s the valleys and mountaintops—the two extremes of living on earth. Joy comes in the morning, oh praise GOD! Yet, I will never be free of the black nights. Praise GOD for those, too, for they test the genuineness of my faith (1 Pet 1:7).

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTPS

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BURYING MY HEAD

5/28/13

Screen Shot 2015-11-10 at 11.13.31 AMAnother week of care-giving mom has been to my benefit. Whether it is pure mercy from GOD or my striving to make a better habit, I rejoice in the outcome. Two notable situations I want to record.

The first: I found myself very often into my familiar scenario of how to best plan for mom’s future. Yet, my mind did not go far until I was aware of the old rut I was in. Once aware I threw myself on GOD and ceased planning. It amazed me how many times GOD’s words to me were, “Wait before you draw conclusions.”

This faith I was able to cling to encouraged me. I was able to stay trusting GOD’s counsel and reaping its benefits—that is until another precarious situation arose and I was back scenario planning about what I need to do if… But, I would hear again, “Wait before you draw conclusions.”

Second: early on I asked the FATHER that I might just bury my head in CHRIST’s breast. I admit I just wanted out of the approaching situation. I knew I was just coping out—trying to avoid my responsibility, but, hey, this was the desire of my heart. And, as it turned out, this was exactly what I needed.

The request turned into a vision in my mind and through the days I often went to dwell in the vision and bury my head in CHRIST’s chest. At the time little did I realize the vision made it possible for me to let situations go and let GOD handle them. I see now this was exactly His plan all along.

A few times a situation called for suggestions from me and decision-making from mom. Past experience proved such situations did not go well. I would get frustrated and mom would get mad.

But ignoring the past, I prayed and clung to CHRIST and suddenly found myself through the situation with an agreeable compromise between mom and me. I don’t quite know how to explain it but I know GOD did something miraculous.

FATHER, it’s now time again to go back home to continue with my own life. I rejoice that You have carried me through this time here and have convinced me through the ups and downs of the care giving that You have kept me sane and mom secure in Your hands.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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HOW DO I SMELL?

10/26/2015

Screen Shot 2015-11-09 at 12.17.48 PMHave the computer in my prayer closet today because I need to confess a sin and learn from my failing. I am at the SPIRIT’s sway—knowing I need forgiveness—seeking His correction.

The incident took place yesterday after church. I was at the door as a family of visitors exited. Not having opportunity to speak with them yet I wanted to say something even as I knew they were already thinking of their next activity. So I simply said, “Enjoy this nice weather.”

Wrong thing to say; I had time to run after them and correct myself, but I didn’t. It would be strange; they wouldn’t understand. And so I watched them walk to their car.

This was a moment the SPIRIT communicated a boatload of understanding to me in a nanosecond.

Putting His wisdom in words, it went something like this: “This is not what you should be saying. Today on your blog site sits your entry about the Sabbath and how it should be observed. You didn’t blog ‘Enjoy this nice weather.’…”

I could have run after them and said something like, “Enjoy this nice weather as you renew your fellowship with CHRIST on this Sabbath Day.” I had time.

I know the SPIRIT would have chosen the perfect words to say. But I hesitated. I rationalized—too late. That would seem weird.

Indeed, that would seem weird and I would embarrass myself. But wait, who cares if I embarrass myself. I would probably never see them again since they were just visiting to support a family member who had a one-time part in the service.

I sit here now in this prayer closet with hindsight-thinking. The comment I made was typical—what they would expect to hear—so common that they would immediately forget it.

But, the comment the SPIRIT had for me to say would, quite possibly, have been strange to their ears. Thus it would have carried the opportunity to be remembered.

Standing in front of the backdrop of the world I am to be noticed, not blend into the backdrop. I can’t just smell like the backdrop, but must have a unique scent.

“For we are to God the fragrance of Christ among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing. To the one we are the aroma of death leading to death, and to the other the aroma of life leading to life….” (2 Cor 2:15-16 NKJV).

FATHER, today I am very saddened by my response to the church situation yesterday. I smelled like the world. But here with the SPIRIT today in my closet I am encouraged for not only do I know you have forgiven me but You promise to give me other chances and other activities to express the heart You gave me.

Set me apart for Your service by leading me in consecration so that I do not blend into the backdrop of the world.  See this Wednesday’s CONFESSION post (12/16). The subject will be “Consecration.”

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTIOPS

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ONCE SAVED, ALWAYS SAVED????

2/6/11

Screen Shot 2015-11-07 at 11.48.39 AMLast night I read a devotional by Otavious Winslow pointing out all the ways we can know for sure we are saved (ref#61, Sept 13th). In the present moment I know I am saved, but how can I know I will make it to the end?

I revisited the time I felt I needed to plead with GOD daily lest He would let go of my hand and I would not make it to the end. I remember the fear…

This revisit hurt. It rushed upon me and I was quickly captured by it.

But, after I turned out the light and got comfortable in bed the answer I desperately needed came. Because He has set His affection on me, I will endure to the end! He has chosen to love me! This has nothing to do with me loving Him. He takes the initiative (John 10:28).

Up until last night my thinking was along the line of me, myself, and I enduring until the end—as if I had the power to keep myself out of hell! Now that He has provided an understanding to me, I wonder why I didn’t get the concept long ago? He has His reasons. Indeed, how the enemy deceives and I am soundly deceived until GOD chooses the time to turn on His light and I see clearly.

Winslow talked about spiritual fruit as an indication of GOD’s regeneration. As I lay in bed how pointedly my FATHER revealed the growth He has given me. Can I count on once saved, always saved? Absolutely!—because it’s not up to me!

“There is nothing for which we can take credit.  All praise, honor, worship, and service go to God and God alone,  He sought us.  He birthed us.  He sustains us.  He matures us.  He protects us.  And he will finally deliver us.  To him be the glory. Amen.”  Paul David Tripp

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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DUPED AGAIN

8/2/09

Screen Shot 2015-11-02 at 9.23.12 AMI did it again, after vowing not to, after being informed—after knowing I shouldn’t, I still did.

I went to church and let what people said discourage me. I wasn’t going to do that because one of satan’s tactics is to point out my failings. I wasn’t going to let him ruffle me today, but I did.

There was something said about a subject I addressed in my book. I concluded I had arrived at the wrong conclusion. It was at that point I began to listen to satan. And then it took only minutes before he had me thoroughly convinced that all I would do is lead people astray if I published the book.

One may say that depressed people—people who can easily be swayed by the enemy, are deprived, but, not so. I came to lunch feeling very inadequate about my ability to glorify GOD. But, this is a good position to be in for I unconsciously give JESUS the invitation to come and encourage me.

It amazes me that JESUS is closer to me than satan but rarely do I recognize His presence unless I get into discouragement. Sure enough over lunch JESUS encouraged me as I read in Isaiah:

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to…grant to those who mourn…the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit:…that he (GOD) may be glorified. Isa 61:1,3

JESUS, You grant me gladness and the ability to praise along with everything else! Why am I wallowing in my inadequacies? I need to stop boohooing and let You do Your work. GOD needs to be proclaimed.

FATHER, Your Word has lifted me from the pit and I thank You for it. Yet, I can’t just skip away thinking only how blessed I am that You lift me from the valley and set me once again on a rock (Ps 40:1-2).

No—Let me say, “Praise be to You, GOD, who vindicates Your holy name (Ezek 36:22).” Then, let me remember my evil ways and deeds in the valley and loath myself (Ezek 36:31) for it is not for my sake You act but for Your holy name (Ezek 36:32)!

I will correct my mistake in the book and go on.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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THE BENEFITS OF SINNING

3/24/15

Screen Shot 2015-11-05 at 2.37.38 PMWell, I need to write this. Maybe I can get it out of my system so I can go back to bed and sleep.

The situation was something difficult for me; I knew I didn’t have the talent to preform it well. So, I practiced—and practiced, setting everything up in a way that I could get through the morning.

But, I wasn’t directing the morning. Immediately there were events that I didn’t anticipate. By the time the second change happened, I lost all confidence in getting through the situation successfully.

How I had prayed that GOD would be glorified. How I wanted to lose myself in the task and enjoy His presence. But all thought of GOD crumbled when I knew I was going to fail at what I committed myself to.

Because I knew I was going to showcase my failure in front of 50 or so people I was panicked—numb, unable to think straight. I wanted to concentrate and memorize the changes in the situation so I would not fail so badly, but my panic would not let me. The little bit of thought panic allowed, was my realization I was crashing into the self-pity pit.

You know sometimes you think you can hide your feelings. Well, I knew I wasn’t hiding my feelings. Everyone around me knew I was out of sorts. My lousy attitude even incited a friend to speak cross words to me. All I wanted to do was run out the door but pride caused me to set my jaw and go through the situation.

But, wonders of wonders. Me, totally sucked into deep sin, experienced GOD blessing people through my wickedness. Thank You, FATHER!

Thirty some hours later now, the SPIRIT has pointed out many sins. And, He probably still isn’t done. I am so anxious to get to tomorrow so I can see my friend and ask her to forgive my bad attitude.

And, what have I learned from all this?—that I fall into sin and will always fall into sin. The prince of this world can dupe me. But, thank You, FATHER, You use my ugliness to move me toward holiness.

If I had not sinned, and the SPIRIT had not convicted me, I would not be now begging to come into Your presence to be healed. All these little incidents of failure, I pray, teach me to come into Your presence sooner and sooner.