There was nothing left to do but throw a tantrum. I had done my out-loud yelling at myself to no avail. In my exhausted state, heart beating in my ears and eyes crossing, I had only one more task to complete before I could fall into bed. Starting the dishwasher would finish my care-giving obligations and I’d be going home tomorrow. But the dishwasher didn’t start.
“Just let me finish this one thing.” The least I can do is work. Seems I’ve failed at everything else. But, no. So I threw myself into bed and slapped the covers over my head.
I had come to Ohio praying desperately to keep my mind on CHRIST. I had never succeeded keeping my mind on CHRIST while care giving. So, through the years, that had become my Ohio-bound goal.
But, there breathing the stale air under the covers, I admitted to myself this time that I had been more of a failure than ever before.
So, instead of enjoying a step toward Christlikeness, I fell on my face with failure—again. But, it was not just another failure. There was finality about it. In my honesty, I conceded I would never be able to move forward in CHRIST—certainly not in a care-giving situation.
I grew up in the church; therefore I don’t have a memory of a precise time of my salvation. Did I ever really accept CHRIST or have I been all these years just pretending I’m a Christian?
Well, I did get my face out of the covers and am home now. So, let me type in some notes I took during the weeks of care-giving:
“Does not GOD keep the drowning waters just below our noses? Is there anyone who can cling to victory more than fleeting moments? How often did King David break out in praise to His GOD? Yes, the Psalms are full of His praises, but what was his life like between the times he took up his pen to write?”
At my desk now, a little more under control, I recall King David’s life history recorded in I Chronicles and I and II Samuel. He went through similar circumstances as my care giving. He failed in many situations but this is what You, LORD say of David:
“…I have found in David the son of Jesse a man after my heart,…” (Acts 13:22 ESV).
This is me, too! You love me, FATHER, and my heart loves You!!
Don’t I wish I had read that yesterday? I would have identified with King David—in his failures—in his praises.
FATHER, please, I don’t want to ever be so dejected as yesterday. Thank You for placing in Your Word a few of David’s Psalms that starts with his struggles and end in his praise to You. You do keep the drowning-water just below our noses so we can cast off our efforts and cling to You.
“How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
“Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say, ‘I have prevailed over him,” lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
“But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me” (Psalm 13:1-6, ESV).