Monday’s Journal Entry

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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TAKING A TIMEOUT

3/29/2016

Screen Shot 2016-07-18 at 5.46.35 PMThe absolute last-resort activity when I’m about to lose it is reading. If I rushed past reading I’d run out the door and keep running until I moved myself right out of society. I would make a total fool of myself and have to apologize to many many people if I cared to reenter the civilized world. People would never look at me the same but they would forgive me. I know. I did the above once and I had to apologize to eleven people. It was a long long ago and I have moved on in the world convinced that people have forgotten my actions and me.

Through my long life GOD has been quite merciful to me by giving me the desires of my heart that mainly has included creating objects to glorify Him. I have been always busy and have had only fleeting moments of boredom.

But I have been in this situation perhaps a month now where I am nearing the end of one project and have a specific project in mind for the next. Even though GOD is stringing me along with ideas here and there, the ideas are not creating a whole. I feel fragmented—even tossed and turned. As each day goes by I feel more desperate for a conclusion and a starting place for this next project.

Writers block is when one faces a blank page. I feel a blank page in front of me but it is not a white blank page but a black page. The enemy craftily puts in front of me the image of complete darkness where I am commissioned to do nothing.

That fear was with me when I woke up this morning. However I finally got out of bed by deciding I needed to practice to perfection my upcoming piano lesson piece. I figured I could at least do that. NOT.

I couldn’t count the intro right. That’s when I turned off the keyboard and went to the back of the house to find something to read. The book that won out was my devotional. It starts out with “Notes” which don’t pertain anymore to the devotional, but my eyes fell on that page:

Through experience, when the SPIRIT is present everything is spiritual; I find joy in everything I read in this devotional. But some days I find, and you the reader will find, these prayers just lie flat on the page and are no help or worse they seem hypocritical, self-righteous, and pious. If this is the case know that you have stepped away from the SPIRIT.

Don’t go any further in reading. You need a “timeout”—time to get yourself again willing to submit to GOD. When that time comes (for me that could be hours) go before GOD and honestly discuss your feelings. You need to repent—ask forgiveness for your attitude—attest to Him that you approve of what He is doing in your life—beg Him to bring joy into your heart again. In other words, be right with GOD, and these prayers will always be a pleasure to pray.

It’s easy to forget the LORD shall do whatever pleases Him and we are responsible to act in support of Him.

I took a timeout. After crying a bit before my GOD, He suggested I scrap the written intro to the song and compose a new one for my piano lesson piece. I’m about to go back to practicing again but, GOD needs credit for He has opened my eyes once again in the valley and given me a path to take to the mountaintop.

I know I will learn the piano song. And also I know GOD will lighten my darkness. He is teaching me to wait for Him. Something I have done very little of in my life and know I don’t handle waiting well.

How I praise Him for encouraging me when I am about to crash myself. He knows just how much I can take from the enemy and from my weak flesh. I am going to make it to the end because He wills it. And, I may even someday be a happy clam satisfying the desires of my heart once again with a new project.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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2 POINTS 2 REMEMBER

3/12/2016

Screen Shot 2016-07-18 at 4.40.12 PMWhy is it I come to this prayer closet, sit down and start crying? It’s worship—or I should say the lack thereof. Again I’m downcast because my keyboard playing this morning failed to draw me into worship.

I can worship silently in my heart and I do and love to magnify the great King of the universe. For reasons unknown, He takes care of me. But worship at the piano feels like I’m alone in a desert.

Why so downcast O my soul? I am sitting in my closet with only hot, burning sand around me—wind whirling sand so I can’t see two feet in front of me. I am so alone with only the sturdy foundation of CHRIST holding me. But, that is enough. This too, will pass.

Today I’m sensing I need taken care of in all areas of my life. The strangest thing is happening. Jerry and I are babysitting a dog for the week. No big deal, right? For some reason I’m out of sorts so I’m blaming it on the dog—that sweet, sweet dog, I love him, but he’s bothering me. I can’t seem to get my life on a path I like.

Journaling always seems to help so I’ve brought the computer into the closet. But, even in the few minutes before getting the computer GOD began His revelation. He didn’t tell me why I was crying. But He impressed upon me that I am out of sorts for a reason. I can blame it on the dog but no matter, I need to be undone, defeated, and convinced I can’t navigate my world by myself. Out of sorts is the perfect ground for Him to speak and me to listen.

As I started saying, worship is the subject that bothers—playing the piano and worshipping specifically. Not long ago I thought I had found the way: play and sing with YouTube videos. But today that didn’t even work.

I know I can do nothing without the SPIRIT and that definitely includes playing piano and worshipping. So, the reason I’m crying is the SPIRIT is nowhere to be found.   Can I beg Him to come? It hasn’t worked so far.

So what is my option as I wait for the SPIRIT? “Purposeful” comes to mind. And I turn my attention to You, FATHER, and review in my mind some activities I read in Scripture about You.

With this journal entry I’ll write down two activities to pursue. It is Your advice to me for learning how to worship with fingers on the piano keys: You say to me, “Recall My excellences and worship in your heart and continue to practice piano. You remind me again that You have previously directed me to consent to everything my piano teacher suggests. So, when the SPIRIT is not present I’ll hunker down, think of You and simply play the piano.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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BEING-PLACED-ON-THE-SHELF LEARNING

11/4/12

Screen Shot 2016-05-18 at 11.02.15 AMI have been put on the shelf with an upper respiratory infection for almost two weeks now, so what have I learned?

I have been mistaken to think I need to surround myself with GOD facts. (It only strengthens the temptation to pride—boasting in the knowledge gathered.)   I only need GOD to surround me. I go back to the J.I. Packer quote hanging on my wall, “Trustful acceptance of life as it comes, and keeping on doing what I should, are the two keys to happiness.” I need to get back to basics.

I have discovered my naivety is much greater than I imagined. In college I put in time sitting at my desk and thought that was all it took to study. Too, I thought that reading was all I had to do—pronouncing each word in my head—and not thinking at all about understanding what I read. So now, I find I’m doing the same thing: writing and reading prayers with no thought of internalizing them.

I suppose all this faulty thinking comes from being steeped in Pharisee-ism—being an actor on the stage of life—outward activity with no inward conviction.

I’ve been reading and writing too fast—like gathering and stuffing food in my mouth but not digesting it. I’ve been rattling on to GOD so much that I’ve not allowed GOD to make any comments back to me. I have a couple acquaintances that talk so much they forget to stop to let me answer. This is exactly what I have been doing with GOD!!

In the wake of being laid up not able to research and write, I have gone to memorizing Scripture. But, I have been doing the same thing with memorization!—I’ve been memorizing but not using the thoughts of Scripture productively in my life.

I have left the SPIRIT in the dust—using my brain to guide me instead of the SPIRIT. Again it’s my flesh, my natural mind that thinks it can move faster than the SPIRIT can move me and I fall into the trap of, “I want to be a spiritual giant, now.”

But, my head knowledge is doing nothing for me. The SPIRIT knows how to strengthen my spirit. I have been graced with the revelation—I need to wait for the SPIRIT to animate my spirit.

I perceive now that a season of praise can remedy leaning on my flesh. Waiting for the SPIRIT to awaken my spirit can do that work. Come SPIRIT, come and direct my heart to my FATHER. Come, lead my heart to rejoicing. Come, teach me how to wait. Come.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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PESTERING-TO-DEATH PRYAER

7/5/09

Screen Shot 2016-05-18 at 10.21.08 AMI’m holding it high over my head—the last puzzle piece that locks all the other pieces of my life in a tight fit. Oh, the ebb and flow of earthly living will eventually scatter the pieces again, but for now I see a completed picture-puzzle. I understand the difference of going from the tossing and turning, no-foundation, “blind” faith to reaching-across-the-chasm, “knowing” faith.

The piece that bridges that gap—that missing piece is prayer. (This is so simple I’m almost embarrassed to write it.)

Elijah said to Ahab, “Go…for there is a sound of the roar of a heavy shower.” Elijah had prophesied that it would not rain, and it did not. But, three years later, in 1 Kings 17:1, he prophecies it will rain.

He could’ve just stood there and waited for GOD to deliver, even though there was not a cloud in the sky. In blind faith he could’ve said, “GOD promised,” and just folded his arms and waited.

I can say, “GOD will bring about revival,” and fold my arms. Oh, but this would be blind faith—hoping only faith—no positive assurances as to when. Blind faith is accomplished by refusing to be in relationship with my FATHER.

Elijah prayed until GOD formed a cloud. He prayed until he knew GOD was going to answer. The repetitive, pestering-to-death, reiterating-the-promises, prayer is the piece that makes for me a “knowing” faith.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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SABBATHING-UP

4/10/2016

Screen Shot 2016-05-17 at 4.38.31 PMGOD does as He pleases but until I see His obvious moves, I go along day by day, or I should say, Sabbath by Sabbath following His prompting on my heart. Lately my mind has been selecting activity options to fill these Sabbaths. 24-hours is a lengthy period to have to fill with spiritual activity living in a physical world.

Lists prepared for Sabbath pursuit sound a bit legalistic—law centered, instead of faith centered. And GOD has given me an experience on this Sabbath that proves list making is a mistake.

As I was at a time of private reading this LORD’s Day, He caused the words in the book to penetrate my heart and fill it to almost bursting. It was a similar experience D. L Moody had as he sought the fullness of the HOLY SPIRIT:

“…one day, walking down a street in New York…suddenly God overwhelmed him with this mighty blessing. It was so mighty that Moody felt he would be killed by it, and he held up his hand and said, ‘Stop, God’” Martyn Lloyd-Jones (ref#194, November 20th)!

I can identify with “Stop, God!” I’ve had enough of His spiritual truth to certainly last me until next Sabbath just in my private reading today.

I am familiar with reaching a point in public or private prayer where I know I am finished. There is nothing more my heart wishes to say to the LORD. I have a friend that calls such a phenomenon, “praying up.”

GOD has just caused me to experience, “Sabbathing up.” Even though there are hours left before Sabbath’s end, I have taken in all that I can assimilate today.

I have to smile, I am like those who are fearful about impeding retirement wondering if they’ll be able to find satisfying activity to replace the job hours. Most surprise themselves by finding their days fuller than before. Sabbath living is the same.

Leaving the workweek behind, I’ll watch the LORD fill my Sabbaths with purposeful activities that will give me great spiritual joy and strength whether it take 24 hours or one. He knows my needs and desires.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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WANTING TO BE WISE

11/15/08

Screen Shot 2016-05-17 at 2.59.28 PMYour display of love is enough—a nanosecond is enough to satisfy all my present needs. Your love—it soundly silences natural Bonnie. I am of one mind—able to think toward one direction—toward You.

This is what makes the presence of the SPIRIT so crisp and refreshing—the ability to think in one direction. It’s not having to say, “should I do this or that?” I have only one desire and that’s to run with CHRIST. When the SPIRIT is present there’s no other choice.

The boldness that I long for and need to defend JESUS will come as You allow me more and more to comprehend Your love. I see the progression in our relationship. Your love is too strong to be grasped all at once. You have made me too weak to grasp it. In order for me to gain strength enough for the purpose You have set me apart for, I must over and over storm heaven and desire You come to me.

And I must come without natural Bonnie. Because I so easily revel in Christian pride, natural Bonnie wants to right now run up and bang on Your door again. Natural Bonnie would love to have You reveal Yourself to her more than just a nanosecond.

She loves it so she’d permit the enemy to mimic GOD. What more could natural Bonnie desire than to be able to speak wisely about GOD? It’d be the ultimate in Christian circles—to be a leader in wisdom.

“Give me boldness now. I want to be superior now.” As I write this I see so much of what I’ve written in the past is Christian pride. I thought it was a true desire to know GOD. But it wasn’t. It was only natural Bonnie wanting to be a superior Christian. My exuberance was wanting to learn something new—gather more knowledge for myself.

All my life I’ve wanted to know God because it pleased me to get to know Him. I was attempting to draw close to Him for my benefit. Now, He’s opening a way for me to really know Him and be known by Him. And, it takes my breath away.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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BENEFITS OF JOURNALING

08_22_08

Screen Shot 2016-05-17 at 2.09.40 PMI am excited what the future holds—excited and fearful. My senses are prepared to hear my heavenly FATHER. Am I adequately prepared to be His servant? Samson or Pharaoh did not prepare themselves. GOD just used them. He will do what He will do with me.

But, I am like Moses in that I am intrigued with the burning bush. I’m sure he knew GOD was in that burning bush—the more he looked at it the more he knew. And then he went closer.

He had a call on his life—for 40 years he knew he had a call on his life. I too. The specifics of the call are never known. Faith is the way to walk with GOD.

I don’t want to spend time waxing eloquent here, but I need to set some things in stone. I am to the point where I am aware of the burning bush and GOD has me in a position where I will not refuse to go up and look at it closer.

As I write I will guard this morning quiet time as if my very life depended on it. I will secretly pray that GOD continue to reveal my hidden sin to me. Oh, I am so fearful of pride. I cannot control it. I must place myself in GOD’s hands.

You know, I’m sitting here making a great effort to get everything right. But, as I’m doing it I realize I cannot. This vessel will never be fit to serve my GOD. GOD will use my failures.

Oh that I may just give it all up and run to my FATHER and cling. Oh that He would just break me every morning. Oh that flesh would wrestle with Him and lose—that my suffering would be flesh dying…

Take me and use me LORD, that would bring me my greatest joy.

 

Note:

3/10/16

Wrote the above a long time ago. It was a period when I was spending a lot of time with my heavenly FATHER. Certainly the most beneficial aspect of journal-writing is going back and rereading—and seeing that Jehovah’s truth is changeless.

Oh that I may just give it all up and run to my FATHER and cling. Oh that He would just break me every morning. Oh that flesh would wrestle with Him and lose—that my suffering would be flesh dying…

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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ALL PRAISE

11/23/08

Screen Shot 2016-05-16 at 12.51.49 PMThe darkness and cold—it is as if the night will never end—as if I am imprisoned. It’s so present even without any unpleasant thoughts of the future to push me toward discouragement. Without GOD I would not find escape.

GOD chooses to speak at times not of my choosing. These bleak thoughts came while I was sleeping. And at each move into consciousness I found more of these thoughts. They were not from the enemy as one would expect. They did not discourage me.

I should have written them down, but I thought, “this is nothing that anyone would be interested in.” So, I did not and now I’m thinking of the Sulumate women who hesitated to get up and open the door for her lover.

Even though I have pulled myself out of bed to come to this prayer closet early, the time seems past to record word for word what the LORD was putting in my ear. Now, since I’ve hesitated it may be that “this is nothing that anyone would be interested in.”

This darkness and cold—this living in this world is too difficult for anyone to survive. No one can walk through life down here and survive. Only GOD can keep His loved ones from complete destruction from this world.

Even His SON when He walked on this clay could not keep Himself, but depended on His FATHER. The darkness and cold are too strong for me to overcome. It is GOD who stands beside His chosen and releases them from the world’s grip. If GOD did not, we would go down to the pit.

In the night—when I’m unaware He stands by my bedside and saves me from the darkness and cold—from all that I cannot save myself from.

Always on the LORD’s lips is a “song of the LORD.” He sings constantly. I am so unaware of His saving ways that I think a “song of the LORD” is merited only occasionally. But, no, I should be singing and thanking Him continually, for He preserves me continually. I will sing continually in heaven, when my faith becomes sight and I observe His greatness. There will be nothing more important to do but to look upon His greatness and praise Him.

 

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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REREADING THE JOURNAL

6/16/09

Screen Shot 2016-05-14 at 3.05.08 PMNote: This is an amazing entry as I reread it today and perceive how close I was to the LORD then and how now I’m not. How encouraging. How I yearn now to be that close again.

***

I awoke disdaining the thought of doing anything in the natural realm with my own strength. I have no more tolerance for human actions. My desire it to look for supernatural activity—like answered prayer.

GOD works in power—that would be in the supernatural realm where I have no affinity. I’m content to not do any more of my usual Christian activities. Instead, I want to sit back and see GOD work. How I’d enjoy just making much of Him.

Could I be a John-the-Baptist? “Go through, go through the gates; prepare the way for the people; build up, build up the highway; clear it of stones; lift up a signal over the peoples” (Isa 62:10 ESV).

Here in Isa 62 You have defined Your purpose, LORD, that I shall be called by You, “my delight” (Isa 62:4)—a holy one redeemed of the Lord. You shall call me “sought out—not forsaken” (Isa 62:12).

This is Your purpose and with it You have promised to fulfill it. May I, for Zion’s sake not keep silent, and for Jerusalem’s sake not be quiet, until her righteousness goes forth as brightness, and her salvation as a burning torch (Isa 62:1).

Show me Your striving with me. Bring Your reward. You promised. I will wait for my righteousness so that I will go forth as brightness—as a burning torch.

My arms hang limp. I have no strength. My good deeds are as filthy rags. I admit I distance myself from You by my good works. Only You can make me as bright as a burning torch.

My work is not Your work but my work is preparing Your way. Let me go through, go through the gates; preparing the way for the people; building up, building up the highway; clearing it of stones; lifting up a signal, broadcasting to all the world: “Look! Your Savior comes, ready to do what he said he’d do” (Isa 62:10-11).

I will give the Lord no rest until he completes His work, until He makes Jerusalem the pride of the earth (Isa 62:7). I will give You no rest, I will not be silent. Day and night I’ll keep praying, and calling out and reminding You to remember Your promise.

I wait with no hope until You fulfill Your promise. Make my righteousness goes forth as brightness, and my salvation as a burning torch.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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REREADING THE JOURNAL

6/16/09

Screen Shot 2016-03-22 at 9.44.35 AMNote: This is an amazing entry as I reread it today and perceive how close I was to the LORD then and how now I’m not. How encouraging. How I yearn now to be that close again.

***

I awoke disdaining the thought of doing anything in the natural realm with my own strength. I have no more tolerance for human actions. My desire it to look for supernatural activity—like answered prayer.

GOD works in power—that would be in the supernatural realm where I have no affinity. I’m content to not do any more of my usual Christian activities. Instead, I want to sit back and see GOD work. How I’d enjoy just making much of Him.

Could I be a John-the-Baptist? “Go through, go through the gates; prepare the way for the people; build up, build up the highway; clear it of stones; lift up a signal over the peoples” (Isa 62:10 ESV).

Here in Isa 62 You have defined Your purpose, LORD, that I shall be called by You, “my delight” (Isa 62:4)—a holy one redeemed of the Lord. You shall call me “sought out—not forsaken” (Isa 62:12).

This is Your purpose and with it You have promised to fulfill it. May I, for Zion’s sake not keep silent, and for Jerusalem’s sake not be quiet, until her righteousness goes forth as brightness, and her salvation as a burning torch (Isa 62:1).

Show me Your striving with me. Bring Your reward. You promised. I will wait for my righteousness so that I will go forth as brightness—as a burning torch.

My arms hang limp. I have no strength. My good deeds are as filthy rags. I admit I distance myself from You by my good works. Only You can make me as bright as a burning torch.

My work is not Your work but my work is preparing Your way. Let me go through, go through the gates; preparing the way for the people; building up, building up the highway; clearing it of stones; lifting up a signal, broadcasting to all the world: “Look! Your Savior comes, ready to do what he said he’d do” (Isa 62:10-11).

I will give the Lord no rest until he completes His work, until He makes Jerusalem the pride of the earth (Isa 62:7). I will give You no rest, I will not be silent. Day and night I’ll keep praying, and calling out and reminding You to remember Your promise.

I wait with no hope until You fulfill Your promise. Make my righteousness goes forth as brightness, and my salvation as a burning torch.