Bonnie’s Prayer Affair Journal

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

Posted by

0

A SUNDAY EXPERIENCE

2/24/2016

Screen Shot 2016-02-26 at 2.21.13 PMTwo days ago I sat in Sunday school about this time of day and tried my best to let go and let GOD. I had just finished practicing with the worship team. Too much of the time I had to scramble to get the right chord played. The sounds in my ears at church are always so different than at home practicing. It frazzled me just enough that I hesitated, looked at my hands, lost track of where I was in the music, and didn’t get the chord played right much of the time. Figured I could muddle through the service without disturbing anyone’s worship but I was hoping for more.

Sunday school sandwiched practice and church so I sat listening and praying—listening to the teacher talk about depending on the HOLY SPIRIT and praying I’d depend on Him next hour. The request to my FATHER was to relax and to let the SPIRIT lift me into irrepressible joy.

It didn’t happen.

Today I realize my prayer reflected my sinful nature. I so wanted an enjoyable experience—the experience of playing well and feeling the touch of the SPIRIT. But, GOD did not answer that prayer request. (I now see His wisdom and praise Him.)

If He would have answered the way I wanted I would have had only a temporary joy that would have faded quickly. Instead, He gave me failure and has prompted me to sit here today and write this journal entry.

He first addressed my yet unanswered prayer request with a quote from my morning devotional:

“…A man worships God in spirit, when, under the influence of the Holy Spirit, he brings all his affections, appetites, and desires to the throne of God; and he worships him in truth, when every purpose and passion of his heart, and when every act of his religious worship, is guided and regulated by the word of God” Adam Clarke’s Commentary (ref#15, [John 4:24]).

Spiritually I’m okay. I worship in SPIRIT and truth. Did not GOD confirm it when someone in Sunday school quoted the two greatest commandments? I do love GOD with all my heart and there is nothing more important to me than the spiritual welfare of others. Just because I could not recognize or feel the HOLY SPIRIT when I played with the worship team doesn’t mean I’ve failed to worship in the SPIRIT.

What I need to do is get better at piano and not judge myself spiritually. How clearly I see now that my idea of worshipping in the SPIRIT was just desiring a good feeling and not desiring the GOD of the HOLY SPIRIT at all.

And, as far as relaxing and enjoying playing with the worship team…maybe it will come as I experience more piano practice and more worship team participation but it is enough that I find joy today in the revelation of my GOD through this entry.

So two things to remember: GOD has made me a new creature. I will bring forth new creature spiritual fruit. I don’t have to worry about doing the right things spiritually as long as I continually humble myself before GOD. The second thing to remember is to continue practicing piano and to be a part of the worship team any chance I get. Oh thank You, FATHER, for Your delayed answered prayer.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

Posted by

0

LIFE IN THE PRAYER CLOSET

11/15/08

Screen Shot 2016-02-25 at 11.40.07 AMMy mind always defaults into looking for something to accomplish—to work toward a future goal. “Let’s see—I’ll sing over some hymns to exercise my voice in case I end up tomorrow playing and singing for company.”

I’m in the prayer closet, dummy. Why don’t I sing something to the LORD? Now, there’s a scoop.

My mind would focus on the sound of the music if I sang hymns. Would GOD be happy with that? No.

But, thinking about not having words in front of me to prompt a song…well, I just conclude it’ll quickly become very boring—repetitive and boring. Natural Bonnie has not enough experience to make words and music interesting. But, boy, is this all natural thinking.

I’ll storm heaven—beat on the door. Natural Bonnie may hate the LORD, but inner Bonnie wants to worship.

***

The minute I decided to storm heaven, the strength of natural Bonnie faded and left—there’s no longer a battle making me decide between my old or new nature.

Before I knock, the LORD answers. He leaves His throne, comes down to me outside the pearly gate. I perceive His desire is like the prodigal son’s father. Even though I don’t see Him run, I perceive His heart running—running to me as if He’d been waiting forever for my coming.

He restrains His love lest it consume me. Yet, it still consumes me. I can only collapse in sobs realizing how I’ve hurt Him by staying away—by thinking about just playing hymns. I’m aware of a portion of His glory and greatness and I cower in the dust at His feet.

Afraid to be repetitive?—who even thinks about that singing before Him.

I have to turn away; I can’t allow myself to be open completely to all the thoughts of His greatness—they would incinerate me. It takes a nanosecond for Him to refocus my mind and fill it with His greatness. He brands it on my mind so that I’m unable to think of anything else.

We’ve said nothing to each other but I’m full to capacity of His Person and content to return to this world. How is it just a nanosecond sense of Him can over power me?

I took one tiny step in His direction intending to knock at His door. Suddenly He’s present—with me—upon me as if He planned to answer my intended knock since the foundations of the world.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

Posted by

0

SABBATHING-UP

12/20/2015

Screen Shot 2016-02-25 at 10.08.24 AMI have been stressing about how to think on the LORD all the hours of the Sabbath. My mind has been setting about cranking out options so I will have enough to do and not get bored. Boy, doesn’t that sound like legalistic, old nature thinking!

But, “JESUS is LORD of the Sabbath.” He takes me right out of my logic and does something new—something I don’t have the ability to think of on my own—I’ll label it Sabbathing-up.

I have experienced today a Sabbathing-up (that’s like praying-up). I’m familiar with reaching a point in public or private prayer where I know I am finished. I have nothing more that needs to be said to GOD. It’s like I’m so overwhelmed with our communication that I’m too full to handle more revelation from Him. Our fellowship is over because it is enough to last until next time.

I was worried about the long Sabbath hours just like one who is about to retire is fearful that they will be bored in retirement. I do not know one retiree whose life isn’t even fuller than before retirement. Sabbath living is the same. I will retire from the workweek and watch the LORD fill my Sabbath with purposeful activities that will give me great joy.

Why do I think He commanded the Sabbath? He knew in His presence is fullness of joy.

 

 

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

Posted by

0

JUST LIKE PETER

1/15/2016

Screen Shot 2016-02-03 at 2.25.40 PMToday I identified myself with Peter in the Matt 16:13-23 story. Animated by the HOLY SPIRIT, he declared JESUS was CHRIST, the Son of GOD and then turned around and doubted JESUS’ words causing CHRIST to call him a “stumbling block” (Matt 16:13-23). That was me this morning.

I’ll begin with the stumbling. Started the car to warm it up which gives me 10 minutes to get myself out the door. The strategy usually works. But today—not . Discovered more things I had to do so I hurried, then slammed, then growled at Jerry. Suddenly a thought stuck: “I’m irritated just like I was Sunday because things are not going my way.” So, my problem is not just Sundays. I verified that conclusion with a little reminiscing.

It sobered me and I responded with a heartfelt apology to GOD. And apologized to Jerry and confessed to my prayer partner since I was warming up the car to go pray with her.

The situation was good for it clued me that I have a deeper more universal sin in myself than I thought. My first clue was anger.

FATHER, please put Your face in front of me the moment I start with anger. I need to be sobered by Your presence.

***

The exciting thing that happened was a revelation from the SPIRIT over breakfast: Always in the back of my mind is my desire to keep the Sabbath holy and I’ve said it before, conversations before and after church are my biggest problem. I don’t seem to be able to conjure up any affinity for it and am at a lost for a place to begin.

But, as I ate breakfast daydreaming about the process of praying the SPIRIT apprehended me by revealing I could use the same process for conversations as I do with prayer.

When I’m praying with a sister, as she prays her words trigger for me subjects I would like to pray about. So, by the time she is finished I find fixed in my mind the prayer subjects my next prayer can consist of.

The thought about prayer is the answer to my quandary of what to discuss with my fellow believers before and after church and the rest of the day… or for that matter, any day. I can be running across my mind spiritual subjects that relate to what the other person is saying. I just have to teach myself to think spiritually as I listen to conversations. “What can I share that will spiritually encourage or teach?” Please SPIRIT, as You animated Peter, animate me during conversations with my sisters and brothers.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

Posted by

0

BLOGGING ON THE SABBATH

Screen Shot 2016-01-28 at 11.55.30 AMWas reading about the Sabbath on the Sabbath—particularly GOD speaking to the Israelites about manna:

“Then the Lord said to Moses, ‘Behold, I am about to rain bread from heaven for you, and the people shall go out and gather a day’s portion every day…On the sixth day, when they prepare what they bring in, it will be twice as much as they gather daily’” (Ex 16:4-5 ESV).

“…The LORD has given you the Sabbath; therefore on the sixth day he gives you bread for two days…” (Ex 16:29 ESV).

“This pattern embodies trust in the Lord’s provision for something Israel has no part in producing; later, when Israel has settled in the land and is depending more on its own labor, the regular Sabbath rest will be seen as an expression of divine mercy” ESV Study Bible (ref#125, p171, [Ex 16:22-30]).

“… the manna’s condition is controlled, as their lives should be, by the word of the Lord (see v.28)” ESV Study Bible (ref#125, p171, [Ex 16:24]).

The whole manna thing was to test them to see if they would trust GOD. It corresponds to the words we have in the Lord’s Prayer: “Give us this day our daily bread.” GOD wants no storing up and forgetting who provides daily for us.

All this reminds me again that the LORD creates my circumstances and is able and willing to walk me through every one of them. Everything everyday I need He provides and all I have to do is trust Him.

So, like the Israelites, the LORD provides for my Sabbath! He has plans for me. Therefore, honoring the Sabbath is not so much about what I do on the day but who I trust and follow as each hour goes by.

Part of my weekday work is writing a blog. But, here I am sitting at my desk writing this on Sunday. Am I keeping the Sabbath holy? Well, I feel that the SPIRIT of GOD is putting words in my head and that always prompts me to come to the computer and write them down. I feel I’m following the LORD and trusting Him in this situation. But, am I? Maybe if I would resist getting His words in print today He would bring them to my memory on a weekday. Maybe I’m writing so I can have something good to post. Yes, maybe I’m taking GOD’s goodness and giving glory to myself and not Him. I could easily persuade myself to close this computer. The logic of law tells me that I should not do weekday work on Sunday. So, do I have a catch in my spirit about what I’m doing right now?

Actually, no. First, one thing I’ve learned is that when the SPIRIT is speaking I need to write it down immediately. His thoughts are foreign to my thoughts therefore I have no affinity to remember them therefore I must write them down. And, I have never had Him repeat Himself. Obviously, for me at least, if I take His words lightly by not writing them I grieve Him. And, secondly, if I don’t act immediately on His prompts He immediately leaves.

Today He has illuminated the passage of Scripture about manna and I must follow Him as He teaches me. I have no self-gratifying motives. I simply delight to do the will of my FATHER (Ps 40:8). For me this activity is perfect. For me today this work like my weekday work is a Sabbath rest.

NOTE: “I was in the Spirit on the Lord’s day…” (Rev 1:10 ESV). I am glad the Apostle John allowed himself to write on the Sabbath otherwise he would not have penned the book of Revelation.

 

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

Posted by

0

GOD’S WILL IN THE MIDST OF MY PRIDE

1/16/2016

Screen Shot 2016-01-28 at 9.05.33 AM“Sometimes God closes doors because it’s time to MOVE forward. He knows you won’t move unless your circumstances force you.” Tiffany Johnson

Because I have put so much pressure on myself with this learning how to keep the Sabbath holy and through blogging have the world as my accountability partner, I have been spending more time waiting before the LORD. And because of it GOD has been speaking much to me. The SPIRIT shows up more often and I am getting a fuller sense of the magnitude of the Person of CHRIST.

However, the reality is the troughs of pride have put me where I am. I want to do good in front of the whole world, therefore I’m in His presence more.

He arranges circumstances to make me commit. He backs me into a corner and I decide to be obedient to save face. The reason I pursue His will is never noble.

Left to myself I would not pursue anything spiritual. It’s a word picture of GOD dragging me backward by the hair and me digging in my heels. Yet, in this very position I accomplish His will. Does this example leave any doubt that I can do nothing spiritually and GOD must do it all?!

 

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

Posted by

0

CRYING AND SQUAWKING

6/2/10

Screen Shot 2016-01-26 at 3.35.10 PMI sit in the closet wanting the SPIRIT—to be led by Him, but don’t feel I have time to wait for Him. I have my day planned and I need to get to it, yet, I will wait for a bit even if it takes forfeiting breakfast and doing laundry.

I hope to sing praise to my LORD, but I do not want my flesh to have any part of it. SPIRIT, turn my heart to sing.

As I wait here my flesh suggests ways the SPIRIT may come. Thoughts flesh put through my mind are the way I “put GOD in a box.” Also the SPIRIT will not come while flesh is thinking thoughts like, “Come quickly SPIRIT, so I’ll have time for breakfast.” I have doubts; “Maybe this desire to wait is from satan trying to keep me from my day’s plans.”

I reject the thoughts and continue my vigil. How flesh wants to entertain itself; it tries everything to divert my attention. Can the SPIRIT work within me the same time flesh is bombarding my mind with such ramblings? No, I can’t experience both. The SPIRIT does not dwell with flesh. He conquers flesh. When He comes flesh shrivels like a piece of paper in a fire and is no more heard from.

Suddenly my heart comes alive as I sit doing nothing for it perceives it has time to go around Your altar, O LORD, and proclaim thanksgiving aloud and tell of all Your wonderful deeds (Ps 26:7).

When I give my heart opportunity to express itself the SPIRIT gives it utterance! So, it has worked—this waiting. The Ps 26:7 Scripture was the bridge the SPIRIT and my heart walked over in order to express themselves in my actions. The desire of my heart was to sing praise to GOD. And, my heart sang!

(I surprised myself for all my voice could do was squeak. It was a confirmation that flesh had no part in this.) Flesh was burning like paper in the fire.

My thoughts overwhelmed me when I came to thinking about the FATHER giving me CHRIST. What I heard in the world was a guitar playing and me squawking and crying. Then I had the sense that CHRIST was near. I judged my feelings as like Isaiah in his Isaiah chapter six writings.

I have to laugh. When I first thought of praising GOD in song, I decided on a certain portion of Scripture to sing. That was my flesh deciding. When the SPIRIT took over I forgot completely about that portion of Scripture.

That portion of Scripture is beautiful—an excellent piece to offer in praise, but it would have offended GOD if I had sung it to Him. Lingering in the closet this morning has given me one situation where I KNOW I have walked step by step with GOD’s SPIRIT and not let my enemy direct me. Thank You, FATHER, for answering my prayer as I waited.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

Posted by

0

NIGHTMARE OF DISCOURAGEMENT

6/23/09

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 2.42.57 PMI asked the LORD to watch over me as I slept. I’ve been doing that a lot lately—especially after having nightmares the night before last.

These scary dreams wake me up at the height of fright. But, last night the nightmare woke me up at the height of discouragement.

I had not defended something about my lunch. Someone accused me of something and I had chosen not to muster the strength to exonerate myself.

It’s funny how the specifics of dreams, at least mine, are forgotten but the point of them remains clear long after I awake. Usually my entertainment of discouraging thoughts is the vehicle that I ride on down to the pit. Today, this dream has put me in the pit.

The reason being that in my failure to exonerate myself, I failed to exonerate GOD. And the last scene before I awoke was a friend catching up with me and pointing out the importance of exonerating GOD. All my Christian friends stood around me and everyone knew I had failed GOD.

There’s something helpful about being able to sin, accepting GOD’s conviction and pardon and going on—in the privacy of your own heart without the world knowing. Now that I think about the last sentence, I surmise the “something helpful” is pride glad to not get shot down utterly in front of all my friends.

In my nightmare I was shot down utterly. And it has started my day with a great heavy cloud over my head. This failure to be strong in the LORD makes me want to think about giving this eternal-life, heaven-thing, up.

I lay in bed and considered just floating along with the current and giving up the fight. I thought about making mosaics—sitting in my basement gluing little pieces of glass to a board and renouncing the world around me.

I don’t care if GOD points me today in the direction of perdition. I deserve it.

But, but, but, but—even thought I deserve death, JESUS is not willing I be crushed. I can’t stop the tears now because He has come close. It matters not to Him that I can’t do what I’m suppose to. He knows my frame—my inadequacies, my weaknesses, my sin. What matters is that I stay in communion with Him. And, how can I not stay close to Him? He has loved me first. I’m just crying at His feet. I cannot rebel and leave Him in anger. It is impossible. It’s His strength alone that holds me to Himself.

He doesn’t tell me it’s okay that I didn’t defend Him in my dream. He says nothing about my actions. In fact, He says nothing, but He just shows me His presence and willingness to continue to be longsuffering in relationship.

So, what have I learned this morning? I’ve learned I’m a total failure and He’s a total success. And…I’m not angry that He didn’t answer my prayer of staying my nightmares because what He has given me after I awoke is precious.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

Posted by

0

THE SABBATH

1/3/2016

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 2.52.07 PM“There is never a moment, even the holiest, when we are not exposed to the fiery darts of the adversary. The onset is often at a moment when we least suspect its approach; seasons of peculiar nearness to God…” Octavius Winslow (ref#135, Sept 7th).

I started tearing up—surprising myself. “What’s that about?” I’m walking through this day with GOD beside me. I have made a mental note of that since I sat down at the computer to operate the slides to the worship songs.

True, the slides are not correct and I’m trying to make them right with no success, but that’s not disturbing me. What’s disturbing me is how I can sit beside GOD and feel awful. It appears no one else is struggling as I look out over the room—the dark cloud hangs over my head. Yet, GOD sits beside me and gives me the day He has ordained for me—a day I should be rejoicing in because He has given it to me in love. What’s happening seems like an oxymoron.

***

After the drive home and lunch consumed, I settled into reading. Again, like a previous Sabbath, I re-read a portion where I left off in a devotional:

“…just as the night of woe sets in, filling you with trembling, anxiety, and fear, a scene of overpowering glory suddenly burst before the astonished eye of faith. The glory of God as your Father has appeared; the character of Jesus as a loving, tender Brother has unfolded; the Spirit as a Comforter has whispered; your interest in the great redemption has been revealed; and a new earth scented with a thousand sweet smells, and a new heaven resplendent with countless suns, has floated before your view” Octavius Winslow (ref#135, Sept 4th).

NOT! Excuse me but I’m still in the “night of woe.” But wait…

I’m smiling now. Bonnie, stop trying to find a way to feel better. GOD is GOD; He does as He pleases. Today and always He walks beside me even though He chooses to move me into frustrating circumstances where the enemy has his way with me. What He did this morning and what He is doing now is providing me the strong faith to not be shaken by circumstances. So, I’m having a bad day, so what? I am standing on a foundation that does not move. Nothing is able to separate me from the love of GOD (Rom 8:39).

NOTE: I have reread this entry and looking over the Octavius Winslow quote again makes me inclined now to say, YES!

“Let us trust this love. Trust it when veiled, trust it when it threatens to slay, trust it when it seems to frown, trust it even when we cannot trace it” Octavius Winslow (ref#135, Sept 6th).

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

Posted by

0

I HAVE FALLEN TO INDEPENDENCY

10/26/12

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 1.49.25 PMFATHER, I woke up frightened about what I was thinking. “I can’t wait for You, FATHER. It’s foreign to me, I don’t know how.” I was in panic mode facing another week of care-giving.

I am so vulnerable now—trying to get my footing on the Rock but knowing I don’t have the wherewithal. Re-reading a couple entries of my years-ago journal I find I’m in the same place I was many times before. This did not help my panic, however, at breakfast I read, “…By ourselves we will not be able…” (Neh 4:10 ESV) and considered my condition.

As changeable as I am I do not change. Some days I’m for You, some days I’m against You and You, the Unchangable GOD, will continue to fulfill Your promise—to draw me back. So it is that You have created me to fall away from You and I do it well. It is not so much sinning that causes me to fall away; I just fall away. You have created me with such a nature to be dependent on You (ref#5, p40).

I am as Joshua in filthy garments standing before You with satan beside me accusing me. But You say, “Remove the filthy garments from him, I will clothe him with pure vestments” (Zech 3:1-4). And this unchangeable act You do for me as many times as I fall away from You. I do not change by being changeable. You do not change by being unchangeable.

Under the direction of Nehemiah, the people rebuilding the wall of Jerusalem knew they would not be able. But Nehemiah reminded them not to be afraid, to remember the LORD who is great and awesome and who would fight for them (Neh 4:14,20).

PROMISE-KEEPING, UNCHANGEABLE GOD, as changeable as I am You will always draw me back; You will never stop fighting for me. This is why You made me changeable so You can showcase Your unchangeableness.

 

You have brought me, GREAT FATHER again,

To stand before You in filthy garments.

Created to be dependant, LORD,

I have fallen into independency…independent.

 

By myself I am unable.

Unable… unable…

By myself I am unable.

Fallen in my independency…

 

But, You…

But, You…