NIGHTMARE OF DISCOURAGEMENT
These scary dreams wake me up at the height of fright. But, last night the nightmare woke me up at the height of discouragement.
I had not defended something about my lunch. Someone accused me of something and I had chosen not to muster the strength to exonerate myself.
It’s funny how the specifics of dreams, at least mine, are forgotten but the point of them remains clear long after I awake. Usually my entertainment of discouraging thoughts is the vehicle that I ride on down to the pit. Today, this dream has put me in the pit.
The reason being that in my failure to exonerate myself, I failed to exonerate GOD. And the last scene before I awoke was a friend catching up with me and pointing out the importance of exonerating GOD. All my Christian friends stood around me and everyone knew I had failed GOD.
There’s something helpful about being able to sin, accepting GOD’s conviction and pardon and going on—in the privacy of your own heart without the world knowing. Now that I think about the last sentence, I surmise the “something helpful” is pride glad to not get shot down utterly in front of all my friends.
In my nightmare I was shot down utterly. And it has started my day with a great heavy cloud over my head. This failure to be strong in the LORD makes me want to think about giving this eternal-life, heaven-thing, up.
I lay in bed and considered just floating along with the current and giving up the fight. I thought about making mosaics—sitting in my basement gluing little pieces of glass to a board and renouncing the world around me.
I don’t care if GOD points me today in the direction of perdition. I deserve it.
But, but, but, but—even thought I deserve death, JESUS is not willing I be crushed. I can’t stop the tears now because He has come close. It matters not to Him that I can’t do what I’m suppose to. He knows my frame—my inadequacies, my weaknesses, my sin. What matters is that I stay in communion with Him. And, how can I not stay close to Him? He has loved me first. I’m just crying at His feet. I cannot rebel and leave Him in anger. It is impossible. It’s His strength alone that holds me to Himself.
He doesn’t tell me it’s okay that I didn’t defend Him in my dream. He says nothing about my actions. In fact, He says nothing, but He just shows me His presence and willingness to continue to be longsuffering in relationship.
So, what have I learned this morning? I’ve learned I’m a total failure and He’s a total success. And…I’m not angry that He didn’t answer my prayer of staying my nightmares because what He has given me after I awoke is precious.