Bonnie’s Prayer Affair Journal

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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PUZZLE PIECES ON THE CHANDELIER

5/19/14

Screen Shot 2015-10-24 at 5.03.57 PMYesterday was much worse than I anticipated. I knew it would be frustrating but not overwhelming.

I was up at 5AM anxious to start learning my new computer. (It was an absolute necessity to replace the old one if I was to continue writing my book.) But the trouble began Sunday when I picked up the new computer from the Geek Squad. They reminded me of a car dealership. Great relationship to sell, then contemptible service. I took it home thinking I would just learn everything by Internet video tutorials.

So, back to 5AM yesterday—by 6AM I had the computer so messed up it wouldn’t even turn off. Then I went off to visit my cell phone provider to get my email working. But, they couldn’t help with that. Called my Internet service provider – they didn’t help either. Each blamed the other. Oh, yes, now I remember about computers, service providers and tech people!

I had had enough. I walked away and went to working on a jigsaw puzzle. But my mind had not walked away and suddenly the puzzle pieces were scattered around the room and I was screaming, “Ok devil, you win.” I determined right then and there to return the computer and never touch another one again.

As I laid in bed sobbing, I realized that if I had to disband working on the book there was nothing I could turn to to occupy my time. That was the only thing I presently lived for! Desperate is too mild a word. GOD was quiet. The devil kept bombarding me. I did go pick up the puzzle pieces but cried the rest of the day.

So, maybe GOD wants me to stop spending time on the book. I’ve been enjoying doing it, maybe I’m doing it just for my benefit—you know, working for GOD with my own efforts. Should I return the computer and sit on my doorstep waiting for GOD to tell me what to do next?

I went to bed not hearing a peep out of GOD. I only determined I would hold off the rash decision to return the computer. I would get through this transition by pure grit. After all, I kept reminding myself that my plans were to take the month of June off from writing and just learn the new computer.

Truly, I was disappointed I had heard nothing from GOD. But, His silence did not shake me. I knew I still and always will stand on His strong foundation and nothing can remove me—even losing my head over a stupid computer.

By the end of the day yesterday I had a list of questions for the Geek Squad. So I have made an appointment to see them this afternoon. And now, waiting for time for the appointment I sat down to enjoy an Oswald Chambers book—“Still Higher for His Highest.”

GOD spoke—in His time, He spoke. Imagine that! I am not doing this book for my satisfaction. My heart is His. Has He not brought me into a “vivid, personal, overmastering relationship to Jesus Christ” (ref#157, Jan 9th)? I have given my life to GOD, no wonder I could not think yesterday of one other thing to do but book writing. I don’t think about satisfying myself. In 10 pages of reading Chamber’s book, GOD has addressed every accusation the devil made to me yesterday and proven his lies.

Oh, how difficult this world is but how sweet GOD’s truth is when He chooses the perfect time I need to hear it. He isn’t silent, but speaks encouragement to me exactly at the right time. Do I praise Him, or what?

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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DISHWASHER FAILURE

2/9/10

Screen Shot 2015-10-24 at 4.47.20 PMThere was nothing left to do but throw a tantrum. I had done my out-loud yelling at myself to no avail. In my exhausted state, heart beating in my ears and eyes crossing, I had only one more task to complete before I could fall into bed. Starting the dishwasher would finish my care-giving obligations and I’d be going home tomorrow. But the dishwasher didn’t start.

“Just let me finish this one thing.” The least I can do is work. Seems I’ve failed at everything else. But, no. So I threw myself into bed and slapped the covers over my head.

I had come to Ohio praying desperately to keep my mind on CHRIST. I had never succeeded keeping my mind on CHRIST while care giving. So, through the years, that had become my Ohio-bound goal.

But, there breathing the stale air under the covers, I admitted to myself this time that I had been more of a failure than ever before.

So, instead of enjoying a step toward Christlikeness, I fell on my face with failure—again. But, it was not just another failure. There was finality about it. In my honesty, I conceded I would never be able to move forward in CHRIST—certainly not in a care-giving situation.

I grew up in the church; therefore I don’t have a memory of a precise time of my salvation. Did I ever really accept CHRIST or have I been all these years just pretending I’m a Christian?

2/10/10

Well, I did get my face out of the covers and am home now. So, let me type in some notes I took during the weeks of care-giving:

“Does not GOD keep the drowning waters just below our noses? Is there anyone who can cling to victory more than fleeting moments? How often did King David break out in praise to His GOD? Yes, the Psalms are full of His praises, but what was his life like between the times he took up his pen to write?”

At my desk now, a little more under control, I recall King David’s life history recorded in I Chronicles and I and II Samuel. He went through similar circumstances as my care giving. He failed in many situations but this is what You, LORD say of David:

“…I have found in David the son of Jesse a man after my heart,…” (Acts 13:22 ESV).

Oh…!

This is me, too! You love me, FATHER, and my heart loves You!!

Don’t I wish I had read that yesterday? I would have identified with King David—in his failures—in his praises.

FATHER, please, I don’t want to ever be so dejected as yesterday. Thank You for placing in Your Word a few of David’s Psalms that starts with his struggles and end in his praise to You. You do keep the drowning-water just below our noses so we can cast off our efforts and cling to You.

“How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

 “Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say, ‘I have prevailed over him,” lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

 “But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me” (Psalm 13:1-6, ESV).

A JOURNAL ENTRY

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AMY MORE NEED FOR HARD BACK BOOKS?

Screen Shot 2015-11-06 at 2.05.39 PM

“…the love which Christ has [for me] presses on me from all sides, holding me to one end and prohibiting me from considering any other, wrapping itself around me in tenderness, giving me an impelling motive,…” (2 Corinthians 5:14) [The New Testament, An Expanded Translation, by Kenneth S. Wuest, p424].

The Bible, GOD’s revelation of Himself, has the ability to change me with His words. This is how the GOD of heaven and earth has chosen to reveal Himself—through words. Therefore, for me written words are of utmost importance.

Today marks my two months of engaging in social media. In that time I have read many, many, many, MANY, words—endless words… Does anyone ever get to the end of his or her newsfeed or personal blog rolls everyday?

One problem I’ve found is reading something one day and trying to find it the next. ‘Tis lots of good words but they don’t reside in a place I can be assured of accessing them in the future—especially the far future.

On my living room bookshelf I have certain volumes that I periodically reread as the years go by. I remember they influenced me once and I look to be influenced again.

I recall when movies were first offered on DVD’s. People said the new technology would close movie theaters. Are e-books and search engines going to close libraries? Or will there always be a place for hard-back, hold-in-your-hand, books?

Using e-words or hardcopy words…which method is easier for you to pause enough to get words from your brain to your heart where they have opportunity to change how you do life?

Social media definitely has its advantages. Yet I cannot put my bookshelf behind me and move forward solely with computer words. What do you think?

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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MONDAY MORNING BLUESScreen Shot 2015-10-20 at 2.57.17 PM

Took stock of my Sabbath. Pronounced myself very lacking. Honestly, with the Apostle Paul (Rom 7:14-25), I decided my actions did not attest to my heart’s desire.

So, how do I do better next Sunday?

I thought of the next chapter Paul wrote after he admitted failure:

“…if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live” (Rom 8:13 ESV).

I began to think of what I might “put to death” next Sunday—certainly not give myself permission to take a 3-hour nap like I did yesterday!

With that thought my meditation stalled out. I retreated back into Rom 7; even by the SPIRIT I know I cannot put to death all my sin.

Oh, I could push ahead and make a list of certain activities to engage in next Sunday but that would translate into following laws. With this thought my meditation came to a final halt.

But, later in the day I read the first chapter of 1 Peter. The following phrases were illuminated to me:

“…he has caused us…” (1 Pet 1:3 ESV).

“…by God’s power…” (1 Pet 1:5 ESV).

“…grace that will be brought to you…” (1 Pet 1:13 ESV).

“…you were ransomed…” (1 Pet 1:18 ESV).

“…you have been born again…through the living and abiding word of God…” (1 Pet 1:23 ESV).

Ah ha, Paul’s word in Romans chapter 8 does answer my Romans 7 complaint. It is what the SPIRIT does, not what I do. The SPIRIT is always successful; I am never successful.

So, I’m not worrying anymore about what I should do next LORD’s Day. GOD shall give me rest and enough strength to conquer the weekdays if I focus on reviewing His activities toward me and trust Him with the details.

“…’What must we do, to be doing the works of God?’ Jesus answered them, ‘This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent’” (John 6:28-29 ESV).

 

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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SCRIPTURE DID IT

9/18/13

Screen Shot 2015-09-26 at 9.59.53 AMToday my FATHER has encouraged me greatly. Let me record the scenario here.

The enemy of my soul gave me a thought of listing my present failures. I quickly named four. And the rest of the morning was spent confirming them in my head.

Influenced by such thinking I made the decision to give up writing the daily devotional book I was working on. It wasn’t going well anyway.

I was at a pivotal point in writing. With the first draft finally completed, I really looked forward to using it in my devotions while working on the next draft.

But, after the first week’s use, I did not experience the great awesome joy of the LORD I was expecting. Confidence shaken, I continued with the second week’s pages only to, after working and re-working, throw out two of them.

How many others would I have to throw out? How could I, at the end of the year, have enough written to complete a devotional book?

Little did I know as I went off to prayer meeting that GOD had already determined to change my thinking. The following Scripture was read:

“To this end we always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by his power,” (2 Thess 1:11 ESV).

FATHER, You have turned my heart with Your life-giving Word! I know You have called me to write. Today—right now, I gladly resolve to write.

Have You called me to write a complete book so You can draw Yourself to others with my words? I don’t know. But, today, with a great amount of happiness, I’ll continue to pursue writing.

And, by the way, I DO have faith in Your power. So, I will think no more about not having enough pages to complete the book.

Desk chair here I come!

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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EATING AND BLOWING MY NOSE

…9/2/2015

Screen Shot 2015-09-24 at 12.51.16 PM…Another lunch where I cry between my bites of food. Oh, this struggle hurts; it has gone on so long. Today it is more a cry of sadness than anger.

What brought me to tears was pinching my finger in the desk drawer, but the real cause was the computer again. Hum, it’s just like life—three steps forward, two back.

But my mind is on the steps back. I accomplish something on the computer and then turn around and can’t do it again.

I cry even though I know these circumstances are GOD’s choice for me. But, that doesn’t stop the hurt. I read Scripture over lunch and the words, although true, are so pious, so all-together sounding reminding me that I am not.

I was so discouraged I stopped reading and just ate and blew my nose. Then my mind caught on a thought: “Read prayers about GOD you have written.”

The thought came from my blog prep. I had just written a page about “Moods.” When discouraged, I suggested reading only the prayers that tell of GOD’s greatness.

Just that thought itself stopped my crying for I remember how well throwing my thoughts on GOD keeps me from drowning in my thoughts about being miserable.

Now I’m back at this computer—humble and possessing much more patience. How amazing it is that just thoughts of GOD puts things back in the right perspective.

 

JOURNALING

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10/10/2015

Screen Shot 2015-10-10 at 1.15.16 PMThis social-antisocial thought that is in front of my mind needs expression. Three days ago GOD put me up to it and I concluded I really do enjoy mingling with people outside my house—but, only as long as the conversation is friendly or spiritual.

So now I sit before GOD and ask, “And how can I enjoy meaningless chatter, or searing affronts to my character?” This is why I’m antisocial.

He invites me to step back and explore my antisocial belief about myself. And I quickly name three facts.

I hate being social because:

  1. I will be vulnerable.
  2. I am not a good talker.
  3. I’m weak, fragile, and sensitive.

I’m laughing now because I think of Moses as I read over the three points I just wrote. And, what did You, LORD, do to Moses?

When I started writing this I had a faint notion that my answer to the question would be to just buckle down and let You, FATHER, make my face like flint. But suddenly You have taken me right out of that thought.

You will do with me what You want. Moses made it to the end of his life; he accomplished Your will. I’m sure he would have written his life’s passage different than You wrote it, but You wrote it and he made it through. And You will do what You will do also in my life.

I will bow my knee to You now and give up writing here details of how You will improve me. I don’t want to be slowed down by the process.

Journal writing right now is finished. Learning eclipsed; joy of Your presence sought.

JOURNALING

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10/7/2015

Screen Shot 2015-10-10 at 12.48.12 PMGOD always takes me to the mountaintop but He might go for days before He reveals the specific valley truths from whence I came.

For instance, I recently sat in a familiar valley of judging-myself-lacking. I have long since concluded I like staying in my house and don’t like doing anything outside of it.

With that backdrop my longing to be a better witness never finds fulfillment because how can I share CHRIST if I resist leaving my house? Many times I have stated to others that I love people but I hate being social. I have truly believed both parts of that statement.

Yesterday the SPIRIT prompted me to review what I had just experienced in the grocery store. We recently changed stores so the check-out lady was new to me. I engaged her in surface-level conversation with the goal of establishing a relationship so as to open future spiritual conversation.

Was it hard and difficult? No. Did I enjoy it? Yes, because she responded in conversation.

So, yesterday I enjoyed being out of the house. This thought made me think of similar past experiences. Conclusion. I don’t dislike talking to people; I enjoy it when they seem to enjoy what I have to say. Connecting is actually quite rewarding now that I think about it.

But, then, of course, I’ve had conversations that didn’t go well. Ah, that’s another subject for later (possibly Monday’s journal entry).

But, to end this subject, I conclude my long-standing thought of myself just fell apart. I do like to socialize when the conversation goes well, and particularly when it turns spiritual. I can no longer pin “antisocial” on my chest.

FATHER, thank You for Your mountaintop revelation. I realize it will take a new habit to change my antisocial thinking so I ask for Your help. I thank You for the ability to journal. Please prod me to read over this entry often. How I love Your kind influence in my life!

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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DOWNFALL: REVIEWING SINS

…2/16/12

Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 8.19.43 PM…Am being reminded lately of some failures in my person that I really would like to become successes. I am missing opportunities to tote CHRIST. I watch my friends take advantage of every opportunity. I’m a little dunce-y—unable to think of anything to say or do. Some friends are really good making me look really bad. What do they think of me?

The old pride is rearing its ugly head—I want to keep up with my friends—at least not be so far behind I’m out of their league. I don’t want to lose them as a friend. I certainly don’t want them to view me as a “project.” This pride pushes me into picking events to share that make me look good. That’s not good.

I need to be more purposeful. But, how can I be when my mind is empty. I see opportunities—lulls in conversation where I could open my mouth—but, searching my mind yields nothing. My corporate prayers are halting and simple—only presentable because I premeditate them.

And, darn, I can’t get down those piano songs. The more I practice the more I make a habit of the mistakes. I feel so far away from my FATHER playing the piano because I can’t hit the right notes. The harder I try the further I am from Him. How can I teach the kids about worship when I’m still stuck in my life-long problem of having to think about the song so I cannot think of the LORD?

Okay, I see what I’m doing—reviewing my flaws—and the enemy is helping me find more than I realize I have. This is the wrong road to go down.

So, forgive me, FATHER, I’m letting my old nature revive and get into my head. CHRIST has rendered my flesh inoperative by His death on the cross. I believe that and will turn my thoughts elsewhere.

I am not who my friends are. Their gifting is different than mine. Dare I say, I’m a writer—self motivated, willing to spend long hours researching, loving every minute of collaborating with You, FATHER. And, for who’s benefit? It doesn’t matter. Behind my desk is my home—my second prayer closet. You are there and this is where You draw me to. Is this not enough to shove flesh back in the grave and laugh when pride tries to talk?

I worship You continually because that is always my desire. Feeling close to You while playing the piano is only something flesh wishes it could accomplish. And, I worship You even when I must put all my concentration on trying to hit the right notes and feel a thousand miles away from You.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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BEFORE I CALL HE ANSWERS

…9/20/2015

Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 12.02.44 PM…I went to bed Saturday night (see 9/26/post) with the happy anticipation of what the LORD would lead me to Sunday. At 1:30AM I woke with piano playing on my heart. The fullness of the thought made me go to this computer.

Piano—the very thing I thought of quitting eight hours before—the very thing that started my slide into the valley for I love piano but, there cutting up water chestnuts for dinner, I decided it was the logical thing to eliminate from my busy schedule.

So it happened, in the early morning hours GOD took away my weariness and gave me the strength for another week with just the forward thought of playing piano after church today. How does He do that?

GOD’s timing. Usually my excited soul must wait for His move but now He answers before I call (Isa 65:24). As I sit here thinking of piano I decide it is His revealed love for me personally that flies me to the mountaintop.