valleys to mountaintops

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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DISHWASHER FAILURE

2/9/10

Screen Shot 2015-10-24 at 4.47.20 PMThere was nothing left to do but throw a tantrum. I had done my out-loud yelling at myself to no avail. In my exhausted state, heart beating in my ears and eyes crossing, I had only one more task to complete before I could fall into bed. Starting the dishwasher would finish my care-giving obligations and I’d be going home tomorrow. But the dishwasher didn’t start.

“Just let me finish this one thing.” The least I can do is work. Seems I’ve failed at everything else. But, no. So I threw myself into bed and slapped the covers over my head.

I had come to Ohio praying desperately to keep my mind on CHRIST. I had never succeeded keeping my mind on CHRIST while care giving. So, through the years, that had become my Ohio-bound goal.

But, there breathing the stale air under the covers, I admitted to myself this time that I had been more of a failure than ever before.

So, instead of enjoying a step toward Christlikeness, I fell on my face with failure—again. But, it was not just another failure. There was finality about it. In my honesty, I conceded I would never be able to move forward in CHRIST—certainly not in a care-giving situation.

I grew up in the church; therefore I don’t have a memory of a precise time of my salvation. Did I ever really accept CHRIST or have I been all these years just pretending I’m a Christian?

2/10/10

Well, I did get my face out of the covers and am home now. So, let me type in some notes I took during the weeks of care-giving:

“Does not GOD keep the drowning waters just below our noses? Is there anyone who can cling to victory more than fleeting moments? How often did King David break out in praise to His GOD? Yes, the Psalms are full of His praises, but what was his life like between the times he took up his pen to write?”

At my desk now, a little more under control, I recall King David’s life history recorded in I Chronicles and I and II Samuel. He went through similar circumstances as my care giving. He failed in many situations but this is what You, LORD say of David:

“…I have found in David the son of Jesse a man after my heart,…” (Acts 13:22 ESV).

Oh…!

This is me, too! You love me, FATHER, and my heart loves You!!

Don’t I wish I had read that yesterday? I would have identified with King David—in his failures—in his praises.

FATHER, please, I don’t want to ever be so dejected as yesterday. Thank You for placing in Your Word a few of David’s Psalms that starts with his struggles and end in his praise to You. You do keep the drowning-water just below our noses so we can cast off our efforts and cling to You.

“How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

 “Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say, ‘I have prevailed over him,” lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

 “But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me” (Psalm 13:1-6, ESV).

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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SCRIPTURE DID IT

9/18/13

Screen Shot 2015-09-26 at 9.59.53 AMToday my FATHER has encouraged me greatly. Let me record the scenario here.

The enemy of my soul gave me a thought of listing my present failures. I quickly named four. And the rest of the morning was spent confirming them in my head.

Influenced by such thinking I made the decision to give up writing the daily devotional book I was working on. It wasn’t going well anyway.

I was at a pivotal point in writing. With the first draft finally completed, I really looked forward to using it in my devotions while working on the next draft.

But, after the first week’s use, I did not experience the great awesome joy of the LORD I was expecting. Confidence shaken, I continued with the second week’s pages only to, after working and re-working, throw out two of them.

How many others would I have to throw out? How could I, at the end of the year, have enough written to complete a devotional book?

Little did I know as I went off to prayer meeting that GOD had already determined to change my thinking. The following Scripture was read:

“To this end we always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by his power,” (2 Thess 1:11 ESV).

FATHER, You have turned my heart with Your life-giving Word! I know You have called me to write. Today—right now, I gladly resolve to write.

Have You called me to write a complete book so You can draw Yourself to others with my words? I don’t know. But, today, with a great amount of happiness, I’ll continue to pursue writing.

And, by the way, I DO have faith in Your power. So, I will think no more about not having enough pages to complete the book.

Desk chair here I come!

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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EATING AND BLOWING MY NOSE

…9/2/2015

Screen Shot 2015-09-24 at 12.51.16 PM…Another lunch where I cry between my bites of food. Oh, this struggle hurts; it has gone on so long. Today it is more a cry of sadness than anger.

What brought me to tears was pinching my finger in the desk drawer, but the real cause was the computer again. Hum, it’s just like life—three steps forward, two back.

But my mind is on the steps back. I accomplish something on the computer and then turn around and can’t do it again.

I cry even though I know these circumstances are GOD’s choice for me. But, that doesn’t stop the hurt. I read Scripture over lunch and the words, although true, are so pious, so all-together sounding reminding me that I am not.

I was so discouraged I stopped reading and just ate and blew my nose. Then my mind caught on a thought: “Read prayers about GOD you have written.”

The thought came from my blog prep. I had just written a page about “Moods.” When discouraged, I suggested reading only the prayers that tell of GOD’s greatness.

Just that thought itself stopped my crying for I remember how well throwing my thoughts on GOD keeps me from drowning in my thoughts about being miserable.

Now I’m back at this computer—humble and possessing much more patience. How amazing it is that just thoughts of GOD puts things back in the right perspective.

 

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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DOWNFALL: REVIEWING SINS

…2/16/12

Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 8.19.43 PM…Am being reminded lately of some failures in my person that I really would like to become successes. I am missing opportunities to tote CHRIST. I watch my friends take advantage of every opportunity. I’m a little dunce-y—unable to think of anything to say or do. Some friends are really good making me look really bad. What do they think of me?

The old pride is rearing its ugly head—I want to keep up with my friends—at least not be so far behind I’m out of their league. I don’t want to lose them as a friend. I certainly don’t want them to view me as a “project.” This pride pushes me into picking events to share that make me look good. That’s not good.

I need to be more purposeful. But, how can I be when my mind is empty. I see opportunities—lulls in conversation where I could open my mouth—but, searching my mind yields nothing. My corporate prayers are halting and simple—only presentable because I premeditate them.

And, darn, I can’t get down those piano songs. The more I practice the more I make a habit of the mistakes. I feel so far away from my FATHER playing the piano because I can’t hit the right notes. The harder I try the further I am from Him. How can I teach the kids about worship when I’m still stuck in my life-long problem of having to think about the song so I cannot think of the LORD?

Okay, I see what I’m doing—reviewing my flaws—and the enemy is helping me find more than I realize I have. This is the wrong road to go down.

So, forgive me, FATHER, I’m letting my old nature revive and get into my head. CHRIST has rendered my flesh inoperative by His death on the cross. I believe that and will turn my thoughts elsewhere.

I am not who my friends are. Their gifting is different than mine. Dare I say, I’m a writer—self motivated, willing to spend long hours researching, loving every minute of collaborating with You, FATHER. And, for who’s benefit? It doesn’t matter. Behind my desk is my home—my second prayer closet. You are there and this is where You draw me to. Is this not enough to shove flesh back in the grave and laugh when pride tries to talk?

I worship You continually because that is always my desire. Feeling close to You while playing the piano is only something flesh wishes it could accomplish. And, I worship You even when I must put all my concentration on trying to hit the right notes and feel a thousand miles away from You.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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BEFORE I CALL HE ANSWERS

…9/20/2015

Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 12.02.44 PM…I went to bed Saturday night (see 9/26/post) with the happy anticipation of what the LORD would lead me to Sunday. At 1:30AM I woke with piano playing on my heart. The fullness of the thought made me go to this computer.

Piano—the very thing I thought of quitting eight hours before—the very thing that started my slide into the valley for I love piano but, there cutting up water chestnuts for dinner, I decided it was the logical thing to eliminate from my busy schedule.

So it happened, in the early morning hours GOD took away my weariness and gave me the strength for another week with just the forward thought of playing piano after church today. How does He do that?

GOD’s timing. Usually my excited soul must wait for His move but now He answers before I call (Isa 65:24). As I sit here thinking of piano I decide it is His revealed love for me personally that flies me to the mountaintop.

VALLEYS TO MOUTAINTOPS

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CHANGED AS I WRITE

…9/19/15

Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 11.28.13 AM…I expect hard circumstances, but when they turn out to not be what I was expecting, or last longer than I expected, my faith erodes giving the enemy a chance to shoot accusations at me. Satan’s shooting now and I’m not moving out of the way.

When playing competitive basketball, we were instructed to gang up on an injured opponent. So swiftly the enemy has taken advantage of me. It doesn’t take long to get to the valley as I begin to believe what the enemy is saying is true.

I hate the valley. I’m in it so often. Defeat hurts. I maintain myself by entertaining thoughts of abandoning the situation that is discouraging me.

He’s on the subject of me failing again. Why can’t I accept that I fail? Why can’t I accept I will never be looked upon admirably?

As I type I see a lot of I’s on this computer screen. Ok, okay, I admit I’ve taken a tangent to feel sorry for myself. But, I’m just tired of struggling—tired of always having more work in front of me than I can do—just tired. I’m tired of listening to the enemy, tired of hurrying to get everything done, tired of struggling and getting no where—just tired.

Spent the entire day listening to sermons on the Sabbath. Last week somehow I fell into GOD’s will by deciding to write a blog for Sunday and so now I have to research and be responsible to get facts about the LORD’s Day correct. And then I have to be responsible to follow my own advice!

If you are thinking that this is my “hard circumstances” I’m complaining about, you are wrong. Actually, what has happened, as I’m writing, I have identified my problem and keeping the Sabbath is the answer. In the writing of this paragraph GOD usurped the enemy and challenged me to believe the Sabbath is to be my mountaintop.

And what is tomorrow? It’s the Sabbath! It’s the day GOD desires I set aside to commune with Him. Can He take away my tiredness? You betcha. He has done it before—by an act of supernatural power His SPIRIT has refreshed my spirit and I’ve had enough strength to work for six more days!

How many ways does GOD have to get me to the mountaintop?—as many as the sand on the seashore. How I will look forward to tomorrow!  And, as I wait for Him to refresh me I find even now I have the strength to dodge the enemy’s accusations. GOD has not even waited until Sunday to move me toward the mountaintop!

 

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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STOOL KICKING

2/22/14

Screen Shot 2015-09-17 at 12.39.24 PMGOD has made a point to show me Him and myself in a very pointed way. I don’t want to write about it because it reveals my black heart but, because it glorifies Him I will do it.

Yesterday was Friday—just one day before I had to have music down for Saturday worship team practice. My back was hurting so I determined to practice piano before doing anything else. I figured I could do devotions afterward with a sore back. (Actually I was planning to incorporate my book-writing work with devotions and final proofread the 30th week of my draft, which tells you a little about where my heart was in regards to getting into my FATHER’s presence.)

First thing that happened was I leaned wrong and my stool moved away from the piano. I stopped playing and kicked it. I should have realized my anger right them and dealt with it for that stupid stool moves a lot but this was the first time I purposely got up and kicked it.

I had practiced all week and still needed more practice possibly more practice than there was time to practice. Hence, my solution—go at practice with more determination.

But, the chair thing set the tone for the day. Nothing went right. I cemented bad piano playing into bad piano-playing habits.

Last night my husband even prayed that I have a better day today; that clued me I was disrupting him with my attitude. (Imagine that.)

Unfortunately this morning was a repeat of yesterday. I left the piano in a huff and stomped to my office. I would quit the worship team. It seemed the smart thing to do.

As I sat, a thought surfaced suggesting I go to my prayer closet. My answer to it was, “Why?” But, I went. I certainly knew enough not to go back and try to practice piano.

On the shelf was week 30 of my book ready to be proofed. So figured I might as well read through it.

The first three pages contained worthwhile information but they did nothing to influence my hostile heart. Then I picked up the “Confession” page. The title of the entry was “Anger.”

Funny how you never think of your heavenly FATHER being right beside you when you are making a fool of yourself being angry. Not only do I understand once more how my FATHER is involved in every detail of my life but how unholy I am. Suddenly making a favorable impression at worship practice is not top priority.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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IT’S NOT SIN THAT CAUSES ME TO FALL AWAY

10/26/12

Screen Shot 2015-09-11 at 12.27.00 PMFATHER, I woke up frightened about what I was thinking. “I can’t wait for You, FATHER. I don’t know how. I have no patience for it.” I deduced failure in every situation I thought of; another week of care-giving put me in panic mode.

I am so vulnerable now—trying to get my footing on the Rock but knowing I don’t have the wherewithal. Re-reading a couple entries of my years-ago journal I find I’m in the same place I was many times before. This does not help my panic.

Sigh. It’s true, as changeable as I am I often do not change. Some days I do all right, some days, not. And none of the days next week promise success.

Indeed, FATHER, it’s true; I’m unable to control my panic. So it is that You create me to fall away from You and I do it well. It’s clear that it’s not a particular sin that causes me to fall away; but it’s simply who I am.

However, at breakfast I read in Nehemiah about the people admitting they are unable to rebuild the wall (Neh 4:10) and I think about my condition.

Under the direction of Nehemiah, the people rebuilding the wall of Jerusalem knew they would not be able. Nehemiah reminded them not to be afraid, but to remember the LORD who was great and awesome and who would fight for them (Neh 4:14,20).

PROMISE-KEEPING, UNCHANGEABLE GOD, as changeable, yet unchangeable, as I am You never change. Now I get it.

This is why You made me changeable so You can showcase Your unchangeableness! I’ll walk into this week of care-giving depending on You—knowing You will accomplish Your desire. I may panic all through it but in it You will showcase Yourself. Who am I to beg You to eliminate my panic? Ah, let me now just bow in submission to You.

VALLEYS TO MOUNTAINTOPS

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The LORD’s Progression

  1. HE MOVES; I TRUST

    GOD the FATHER, GOD the SON, and GOD the HOLY SPIRIT took seven days to create the earth—no “poof” and it was done.

  2. GOD’s covenant to His creatures started in Genesis 3:15 with only the promise of a Savior and was built upon throughout the Old Testament Scriptures until its culmination in JESUS CHRIST.
  3. Now GOD continually conforms His people progressively into the image of His Son (Romans 8:29).
  4. I’ve rewritten this post at least 10 times.

So very frequently the Unchangeable GOD changes my situations.  He asks me to trust Him (Romans 1:17) as He leads me down to valleys and up to mountaintops—down, up—down, up. In valleys my FATHER is looking to see if I turn to trust Him. On mountaintops my FATHER is looking to see if I continue to trust Him.

Progression, progression, all is progression.

These Monday posts are journal entries of how GOD progresses me. Note that it is GOD Who provides the progression; I don’t progress. Some days my faith is strong, other times, not.

“Few understand that the Christian life is a process of change, neither perfection nor defeat” Paul David Tripp (ref#5, p340).

Whether you are presently a superstar-saint or a common-sinner Christian, consider joining me, for together we are all a people for God’s own possession (1 Peter 2:9) being built by Him as a spiritual house” (1 Peter 2:5).

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